No Restrictions

While going through IVF I had a lot of restrictions. Take this medicine, stop taking other vitamins, no exercise, no lifting, don't eat this, don't drink that and you can only have sex three days after we say so when the sun is facing east and the temperature is 38.9 degrees and the wind is blowing 15 mph and by the way use a condom!!!! That alone can drive a sane person crazy! Clearly you follow all the doctors orders in hopes of a favorable outcome. When that happens it makes it all seem worth it. You easily forget all those things you couldn't do because you reaped the reward that you so desperately wanted. When you don't have a favorable outcome ummm....well the best way to put is...SERIOUSLY?! Argh!!! LOL

Needless to say while the Final outcome we were hoping for didn't occur, we did managed to have positive outcomes throughout  parts of the process, that have left us with 9 frozen embryos. So yes, it was worth it. Our prayer that is when the times comes when and we are ready to try again, we will reap the full reward.

So in a sense we are in limbo. The nice part about limbo is....NO RESTRICTIONS!!!! The red tape has been lifted and I'm able to function like a normal human being again:) Woooo Hooo!  I can eat what I want, drink what I want, run and jump if I want to and disregard any instructions when it comes to practicing procreation! The world is my oyster!

I'm learning to celebrate the little things, it keeps the days moving the healing coming.

Laughter....medicine for the soul

Whenever I'm in a bad mood I don't feel like laughing. I mean it's called a bad mood for a reason. However, if something or someone catches me off guard, I will laugh involuntarily and actually enjoy it. While it certainly isn't the easiest thing to do, I try to make myself laugh during times when I am down in hopes that it will pull me out of the funk.

The day I got the voice mail that I was no longer pregnant, I cried and cried and cried some more. We decided to have dinner at Red Lobsters (we both had a craving for those cheddar bay biscuits). At dinner we reminisced about how our parents used to take us there. We were like Red Lobster historians as we critiqued the new breading on the fried shrimp. Despite the news we received earlier that day, we laughed and laughed and laughed. All those happy endorphins flooded our souls and for a moment all was right with the world.

On a recent not so good day we decided to watch Coming to America....you talk about laughing?! Now that's some strong medicine right there!

I have a laughing buddy who has been a tremendous help through this whole process. A couple days when I figured, I would just go home and cry it out, she called and we can't help but make jokes and laugh until our abs hurt. We talk for hours and our conversations usually end with sore tummy's, sore cheeks hoarse voices and great memories. I'm so blessed to have some one that knows just what to say to get that good medicine flowing. We actually talked tonight....and all is well with my soul!

THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU

My Grandmother used to tell me this all the time! As I've gotten older, I've come to realize just how true it really is. The world revolves around no one. Just because you may be going through something doesn't necessarily mean that anyone else should care. The world will not recreate its center around you and your problem. People have their own situations to deal with. We gain a new perspective when we realize that others are going through hard times too...it's not just us. It's so easy to get caught up with what is happening to us, that we don't take time to think of what may be going on in someone else's life.

I am reminded of this when someone is rude to me or cuts me off in traffic. There must be something going on with them. It helps me take the focus of off me and put it on the fact that someone else may be hurting. At times when people actually share what has been going on in their life it makes you realize that what you are going through really isn't that bad.

A pastor stated in his sermon that whatever your situation - You are not the first to have to deal with it. It may seem like the end of the world, but somewhere, someone has dealt with those same feelings and the same situation. Remembering that takes away the edge. Others have lost jobs, family members, pregnancies, etc. I'm not the first and unfortunately I won't be the last. I find solace in knowing that other people have made it through the same situation I am in. I find hope in knowing that life goes on and even gets better.

I don't want the world revolving around me....don't need all that attention....none of us do:)

It's still dark....

I remember being a kid and trying to stay up until the sun came up. It felt like it would take forever before that little peak of light would show up. That's how I feel right now. I'm waiting for that peak of light. That "joy comes in the morning" light. Every now and then I feel like everything is right with the world, then I remember what is wrong and fall into a funk once again. I keep reminding myself that it has been less than 2 weeks. It's okay to feel like this, it's just not okay to get stuck here. At some point, the light has to come. Morning comes everyday, it's one of the few constants. I'm just waiting for God to say "Let there be light". Until then....I wait

It just happens

When things happen to us in life we often search for the why? In our journey to find answers we are often left without closure. Somethings just happen. There is no answer and you find no solace in "that's just the way the cookie crumbles" or "you win some you lose some". Those answers simply don't cut it. We live in such a scientific world where there are answers for everything. we do hundreds if not thousands of google searches to gain more information. But sometimes there are situations where google is no help. This is where many people blame God. Natural disasters and when bad things happen to good people, those things that can't be explained by science..... Well then God must be the cause....what else could it be? Maybe it's science that we have yet to uncover. I think blaming God is the easy way out. It's actually pretty ironic. People curse God for bad situations and in the same breath ask for His help....which one is it? Does God hurt us or help us? I'll go with help us. I can't blame God because he has been too good to me He had helped me through tough situations and I know He'll help me through this. The great thing about my God is that He is the same yesterday, today and forever!!!

The Darkest Hour is Before Dawn

I've come to realize, this is still a process, it's a part of the process that I didn't plan for. I knew that at any point in the IVF process something could fail, but I chose not to think about it. I chose not to plan for the worst. Even if I had of I don't think I would feel any differently than I do now.

It hasn't even been a week, but I'm feeling much better. Time is beginning to pour its soothing salve on my open wounds. I'm laughing more and crying less. I'm so thankful for my wonderful support system. You all have been great! Thank you for understanding what I need to help move forward. Thanks for your texts and e-mails that have made me laugh. Thanks for reminding me that I have great friends and people that love me.

My Grandmother always says, "The darkest hour is just before dawn." I can't quite say good morning....but I will say Good night to that chapter in the process.

Putting the pieces back together

My husband has been the best through this whole process. Yesterday he calmly called the IVF office on my behalf and spoke with the doctor and nurse who were on my case. Not only did he get answers, but the respect and admiration of the office. Apparently they really like us at our IVF clinic. Today I had to return to get blood work done. I was greeted with a hug from one of our favorite nurses who told me, "While this sucks...you are really blessed to have embryos frozen!" Our doctor came out and apologized for the way our case had been handled.

Clearly they want to save face, but it was also clear (more so from the nursing staff) that they really cared. They were "cheering" for us so to speak. A few days later I received an e-mail from our favorite nurse explaining next steps and letting us know that she is there is we have any questions. She also e-mailed my husband separately.

So from here, we take the time we need to heal and start to piece things back together. Life goes on....and when we are ready, we will try again.