I had just received the greatest news ever! I was going to be a mommy. I was on cloud nine. Everyday I woke up thanking God for the life in my belly. I was excited to start to "feel pregnant". It made it seem more real. I always wondered what morning sickness and being extra tired felt like....crazy right?! But that's how bad I wanted to be a mom and it was FINALLY happening!
Well just as I started to "feel pregnant" I had to journey down to VA to play my role as Matron of Honor for my cousin and best friend's bachelorette party and bridal shower. We spent months planning and the weekend was finally here. This would be the first time away from my husband since I had gotten the good news. Remember now, we decided to wait until the end of the first trimester before we told anyone (parents included). The end of the first trimester was a good 7 weeks away. How was I going to get through this weekend without telling a soul?!
My husband and I had a plan. He loaded up the car for me, I had a ton of stuff, air mattress, gifts, decorations, clothes, etc. He packed snacks, crackers and ginger ale. We agreed on a strategy to deflect any attention away from me. If asked I would tell people I simply wasn't feeling well, maybe it was a bug or something.
I was nervous, but equipped with a strategy. I was ready! If I was able to pull this off, I knew it would make for a great story!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Our little secret
As mentioned no one knew that we were doing another cycle. This time the plan was to wait before we started telling people. It was hard to contain such good news. We wanted to get further into the pregnancy to avoid being disappointed ourselves or disappointing others. The rule of thumb is waiting until the end of the first trimester before you start telling people because there is a drastic decrease in the risk of miscarriage.
There are a lot risks in early pregnancy. At any moment something could go wrong. It's a really strange time because you obviously don't look pregnant and you don't necessarily feel pregnant and it top it off....no one knows (unless you tell them). For the first few weeks we were super careful, making sure to plan out activities and to avoid anything that might cause a loss of the pregnancy. It was pretty easy, no one seemed to notice the minor changes in behavior. Our plan seemed to be working. We were going to wait until the end of the first trimester to share the good news
Then around 5 weeks I started "feeling pregnant". I was really tired all the time. I started going to bed earlier and taking naps. The journey had definitely begun. It was our little secret, but not for long.
There are a lot risks in early pregnancy. At any moment something could go wrong. It's a really strange time because you obviously don't look pregnant and you don't necessarily feel pregnant and it top it off....no one knows (unless you tell them). For the first few weeks we were super careful, making sure to plan out activities and to avoid anything that might cause a loss of the pregnancy. It was pretty easy, no one seemed to notice the minor changes in behavior. Our plan seemed to be working. We were going to wait until the end of the first trimester to share the good news
Then around 5 weeks I started "feeling pregnant". I was really tired all the time. I started going to bed earlier and taking naps. The journey had definitely begun. It was our little secret, but not for long.
The Call
I went to the office at 7 AM the morning of the end of the two week wait. I was excited, nervous, anxious and every other possible emotion you could think of (remember my hormone levels were still kinda wacky LOL). I returned home hoping they would call sooner rather than later. I tried to distract myself, but my mind was racing. What if they say that I'm not pregnant...AGAIN? How will I react? What will I do? I told God I would be okay...but was that the truth? Obviously if they say I'm pregnant I'll be ecstatic, but I don't want to go there....remember what happened the last time.
I sat, I cried, I tried relaxation techniques, I prayed, but nothing could get rid of the knot in my chest. Around 9 AM my cell phone rang. It was the office. I took a deep breath. Trying to sound as calm as possible I said hello?
The voice on the other end was not the doctor. It was one of my favorite nurses. She said my name with exuberance....I still wouldn't allow myself to get excited. And then she said the words that my heart new was possible but my mind needed to hear. YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!! She continues to tell me that my HCG levels were super high (The higher the better) and while typically the Doctor calls patients with the results she asked if she could deliver the good news herself.
Tears streamed down my face. God is so good!!! This was His timing. Sometimes we face challenges that seem impossible to overcome. I truly believe there is always a lesson to be learned. I learned to be even more thankful. Thankful that God saw fit to bless my husband and I.
I called my husband at work still crying to share the good news. It was our little secret. Our seeds were planted and now it was time to watch them grow.
I sat, I cried, I tried relaxation techniques, I prayed, but nothing could get rid of the knot in my chest. Around 9 AM my cell phone rang. It was the office. I took a deep breath. Trying to sound as calm as possible I said hello?
The voice on the other end was not the doctor. It was one of my favorite nurses. She said my name with exuberance....I still wouldn't allow myself to get excited. And then she said the words that my heart new was possible but my mind needed to hear. YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!! She continues to tell me that my HCG levels were super high (The higher the better) and while typically the Doctor calls patients with the results she asked if she could deliver the good news herself.
Tears streamed down my face. God is so good!!! This was His timing. Sometimes we face challenges that seem impossible to overcome. I truly believe there is always a lesson to be learned. I learned to be even more thankful. Thankful that God saw fit to bless my husband and I.
I called my husband at work still crying to share the good news. It was our little secret. Our seeds were planted and now it was time to watch them grow.
Waiting...AGAIN
There is one part of this process that never gets any easier regardless of how many times you've done it. The two week wait is simply unavoidable. It is possibly one of the most mentally challenging parts of the process. You are still taking medication on a daily basis. You question every change in your body and basically, there is nothing you can do about it.
As a refresher, after the frozen transfer you have to wait for two weeks to find out if you are pregnant or not. So for two weeks there are no doctor visits and honestly no real way of telling if you're pregnant or not. Many of the symptoms that you may feel can simply be from the progesterone cause your hormones are all over the place. Some women may take drug store pregnancy test. I considered it, but those tests are not as effective as blood tests and didn't want to further add to my anxiety.
I try to be a positive person, but I couldn't help but expect the best and plan for the worst. I was so scared that there would be a repeat of what happened before.
I did a lot of praying during those two weeks. I let God know that I knew He had a plan for me and if this wasn't my time that I would be okay.
Finally the day came and the wait was over!
As a refresher, after the frozen transfer you have to wait for two weeks to find out if you are pregnant or not. So for two weeks there are no doctor visits and honestly no real way of telling if you're pregnant or not. Many of the symptoms that you may feel can simply be from the progesterone cause your hormones are all over the place. Some women may take drug store pregnancy test. I considered it, but those tests are not as effective as blood tests and didn't want to further add to my anxiety.
I try to be a positive person, but I couldn't help but expect the best and plan for the worst. I was so scared that there would be a repeat of what happened before.
I did a lot of praying during those two weeks. I let God know that I knew He had a plan for me and if this wasn't my time that I would be okay.
Finally the day came and the wait was over!
So what's been going on......
Well we decided to take a little break from IVF. It's a very involved process. Many woman choose to start a new cycle after a failed cycle, we felt it best to wait. I needed to refuel mentally. Initially I thought I was ready to jump back in the swing of things right away, but after taking a break I appreciated our rationale. We took time to simply relax. The most important thing was avoiding stress and staying calm. We took a few days and went away to just be alone. We had one of the best couple massages imaginable. Once the trip was over we returned to the doctor and started a new frozen cycle.
It was less involved compared to a fresh cycle. The trips to the office were weekly rather than daily. It felt less stressful having "gone through the process" already. The nurses and staff were so excited to have us back. Everyone was positive that this time we were going to be successful!
Although my heart was set on success my mind was still cluttered with the reality that there was a chance this time would not work either. I really had to focus on rebuilding my faith (Full Assurance In The Heart), knowing that success was attainable.
It wasn't an easy ride. This time we decided not to share what we were doing with anyone (hence why I am only now posting this entry). I had a few challenges with progesterone and had to flip flop between injections and suppositories. It was draining mentally but thank God I have a supportive husband who always knew the right thing to say when I felt like giving up.
On July 31st we went in for the frozen transfer of two embryos....
It was less involved compared to a fresh cycle. The trips to the office were weekly rather than daily. It felt less stressful having "gone through the process" already. The nurses and staff were so excited to have us back. Everyone was positive that this time we were going to be successful!
Although my heart was set on success my mind was still cluttered with the reality that there was a chance this time would not work either. I really had to focus on rebuilding my faith (Full Assurance In The Heart), knowing that success was attainable.
It wasn't an easy ride. This time we decided not to share what we were doing with anyone (hence why I am only now posting this entry). I had a few challenges with progesterone and had to flip flop between injections and suppositories. It was draining mentally but thank God I have a supportive husband who always knew the right thing to say when I felt like giving up.
On July 31st we went in for the frozen transfer of two embryos....
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
She said "Rain Rain Please Don't go away"
I guess I did what I said I wouldn't. I disappeared for a few months. I received an email from a friend asking where I had been. Apparently somebody wants to hear from me so guess what....I'M BACK!
The forecast is calling for rain and let me tell you it's gonna rain hard cause I have lots to say.
A whole lot has happened since my last post and I'll be sure to get you up to speed. But first let me address the question that I'm sure many of you are wondering....why did I stop writing? I find I write the most when I am "going through" something. It's my coping mechanism. It's that thing that helps me see a brighter tomorrow and gets me through. Now let me clarify. When things are good I can write too, I just tend to write more during intense situations because it's therapeutic. At some point in May/June I found myself in a place of normalcy. There wasn't much going on, I think I found peace and simply enjoyed living in it. I was also in a place of preparation. I knew that we were going to try again this time with a frozen cycle. Knowing that we decided not to be as open as to when we were starting a new cycle I was challenged with being able to share how I was feeling with you all. So I guess you can say I just kept things to myself. It was a very introspective time. Looking back it's what I needed. Moving forward I know I need to put more thoughts on paper. So I guess you can say it's raining all over again:)
The forecast is calling for rain and let me tell you it's gonna rain hard cause I have lots to say.
A whole lot has happened since my last post and I'll be sure to get you up to speed. But first let me address the question that I'm sure many of you are wondering....why did I stop writing? I find I write the most when I am "going through" something. It's my coping mechanism. It's that thing that helps me see a brighter tomorrow and gets me through. Now let me clarify. When things are good I can write too, I just tend to write more during intense situations because it's therapeutic. At some point in May/June I found myself in a place of normalcy. There wasn't much going on, I think I found peace and simply enjoyed living in it. I was also in a place of preparation. I knew that we were going to try again this time with a frozen cycle. Knowing that we decided not to be as open as to when we were starting a new cycle I was challenged with being able to share how I was feeling with you all. So I guess you can say I just kept things to myself. It was a very introspective time. Looking back it's what I needed. Moving forward I know I need to put more thoughts on paper. So I guess you can say it's raining all over again:)
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