No Restrictions

While going through IVF I had a lot of restrictions. Take this medicine, stop taking other vitamins, no exercise, no lifting, don't eat this, don't drink that and you can only have sex three days after we say so when the sun is facing east and the temperature is 38.9 degrees and the wind is blowing 15 mph and by the way use a condom!!!! That alone can drive a sane person crazy! Clearly you follow all the doctors orders in hopes of a favorable outcome. When that happens it makes it all seem worth it. You easily forget all those things you couldn't do because you reaped the reward that you so desperately wanted. When you don't have a favorable outcome ummm....well the best way to put is...SERIOUSLY?! Argh!!! LOL

Needless to say while the Final outcome we were hoping for didn't occur, we did managed to have positive outcomes throughout  parts of the process, that have left us with 9 frozen embryos. So yes, it was worth it. Our prayer that is when the times comes when and we are ready to try again, we will reap the full reward.

So in a sense we are in limbo. The nice part about limbo is....NO RESTRICTIONS!!!! The red tape has been lifted and I'm able to function like a normal human being again:) Woooo Hooo!  I can eat what I want, drink what I want, run and jump if I want to and disregard any instructions when it comes to practicing procreation! The world is my oyster!

I'm learning to celebrate the little things, it keeps the days moving the healing coming.

Laughter....medicine for the soul

Whenever I'm in a bad mood I don't feel like laughing. I mean it's called a bad mood for a reason. However, if something or someone catches me off guard, I will laugh involuntarily and actually enjoy it. While it certainly isn't the easiest thing to do, I try to make myself laugh during times when I am down in hopes that it will pull me out of the funk.

The day I got the voice mail that I was no longer pregnant, I cried and cried and cried some more. We decided to have dinner at Red Lobsters (we both had a craving for those cheddar bay biscuits). At dinner we reminisced about how our parents used to take us there. We were like Red Lobster historians as we critiqued the new breading on the fried shrimp. Despite the news we received earlier that day, we laughed and laughed and laughed. All those happy endorphins flooded our souls and for a moment all was right with the world.

On a recent not so good day we decided to watch Coming to America....you talk about laughing?! Now that's some strong medicine right there!

I have a laughing buddy who has been a tremendous help through this whole process. A couple days when I figured, I would just go home and cry it out, she called and we can't help but make jokes and laugh until our abs hurt. We talk for hours and our conversations usually end with sore tummy's, sore cheeks hoarse voices and great memories. I'm so blessed to have some one that knows just what to say to get that good medicine flowing. We actually talked tonight....and all is well with my soul!

THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU

My Grandmother used to tell me this all the time! As I've gotten older, I've come to realize just how true it really is. The world revolves around no one. Just because you may be going through something doesn't necessarily mean that anyone else should care. The world will not recreate its center around you and your problem. People have their own situations to deal with. We gain a new perspective when we realize that others are going through hard times too...it's not just us. It's so easy to get caught up with what is happening to us, that we don't take time to think of what may be going on in someone else's life.

I am reminded of this when someone is rude to me or cuts me off in traffic. There must be something going on with them. It helps me take the focus of off me and put it on the fact that someone else may be hurting. At times when people actually share what has been going on in their life it makes you realize that what you are going through really isn't that bad.

A pastor stated in his sermon that whatever your situation - You are not the first to have to deal with it. It may seem like the end of the world, but somewhere, someone has dealt with those same feelings and the same situation. Remembering that takes away the edge. Others have lost jobs, family members, pregnancies, etc. I'm not the first and unfortunately I won't be the last. I find solace in knowing that other people have made it through the same situation I am in. I find hope in knowing that life goes on and even gets better.

I don't want the world revolving around me....don't need all that attention....none of us do:)

It's still dark....

I remember being a kid and trying to stay up until the sun came up. It felt like it would take forever before that little peak of light would show up. That's how I feel right now. I'm waiting for that peak of light. That "joy comes in the morning" light. Every now and then I feel like everything is right with the world, then I remember what is wrong and fall into a funk once again. I keep reminding myself that it has been less than 2 weeks. It's okay to feel like this, it's just not okay to get stuck here. At some point, the light has to come. Morning comes everyday, it's one of the few constants. I'm just waiting for God to say "Let there be light". Until then....I wait

It just happens

When things happen to us in life we often search for the why? In our journey to find answers we are often left without closure. Somethings just happen. There is no answer and you find no solace in "that's just the way the cookie crumbles" or "you win some you lose some". Those answers simply don't cut it. We live in such a scientific world where there are answers for everything. we do hundreds if not thousands of google searches to gain more information. But sometimes there are situations where google is no help. This is where many people blame God. Natural disasters and when bad things happen to good people, those things that can't be explained by science..... Well then God must be the cause....what else could it be? Maybe it's science that we have yet to uncover. I think blaming God is the easy way out. It's actually pretty ironic. People curse God for bad situations and in the same breath ask for His help....which one is it? Does God hurt us or help us? I'll go with help us. I can't blame God because he has been too good to me He had helped me through tough situations and I know He'll help me through this. The great thing about my God is that He is the same yesterday, today and forever!!!

The Darkest Hour is Before Dawn

I've come to realize, this is still a process, it's a part of the process that I didn't plan for. I knew that at any point in the IVF process something could fail, but I chose not to think about it. I chose not to plan for the worst. Even if I had of I don't think I would feel any differently than I do now.

It hasn't even been a week, but I'm feeling much better. Time is beginning to pour its soothing salve on my open wounds. I'm laughing more and crying less. I'm so thankful for my wonderful support system. You all have been great! Thank you for understanding what I need to help move forward. Thanks for your texts and e-mails that have made me laugh. Thanks for reminding me that I have great friends and people that love me.

My Grandmother always says, "The darkest hour is just before dawn." I can't quite say good morning....but I will say Good night to that chapter in the process.

Putting the pieces back together

My husband has been the best through this whole process. Yesterday he calmly called the IVF office on my behalf and spoke with the doctor and nurse who were on my case. Not only did he get answers, but the respect and admiration of the office. Apparently they really like us at our IVF clinic. Today I had to return to get blood work done. I was greeted with a hug from one of our favorite nurses who told me, "While this sucks...you are really blessed to have embryos frozen!" Our doctor came out and apologized for the way our case had been handled.

Clearly they want to save face, but it was also clear (more so from the nursing staff) that they really cared. They were "cheering" for us so to speak. A few days later I received an e-mail from our favorite nurse explaining next steps and letting us know that she is there is we have any questions. She also e-mailed my husband separately.

So from here, we take the time we need to heal and start to piece things back together. Life goes on....and when we are ready, we will try again.

Pressing forward

I feel better today. I guess there is something to be said about the whole "Time heals all wounds thing". I totally get having a process to get through things. Grief is a process and that's what I'm dealing with now. I'm sad sometimes, angry others, happy when I don't have to think about it. Sometimes I just wish today was two weeks from now when time has had more of chance to heal my open wounds. I like being happy and while many would argue that happiness is a choice, I'm having difficulty choosing to feel any different than I do.

I don't want to talk and I know that this is something that doesn't sit well with most of you. I appreciate the text messages that show your concern and support. But, I still don't want to talk about it. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. I don't want the "sympathy" calls,  the "oh I'm so sorry for you blah blah blah." I want to talk about regular stuff like we did just weeks before. Like wedding plans and outfits and weight watchers. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Pray for me...Yes. I guess it's just that I'm trying to move forward, past the situation. I don't want to get stuck here cause happy only comes around occasionally on this side of town. I don't want to rehash what was and what could have been handled differently. I just want to move on.

Please know while I may not be talking to YOU doesn't mean I'm not talking at all. I am talking to my husband so don't worry I'm not holding it in or anything like that. I'm just at a point where moving forward is a necessity. So each day I press a little further in hopes of putting the past behind me.

Though He Slay me Yet will I trust Him

Sometimes when things happen, I shut down. I can't write. I just want to block out how I'm feeling. That's how I feel right now, but I realize that writing is therapeutic and hope this will help in the healing process.


So in my last post, you read that I received a call saying congrats your prego!  Well things kinda went downhill from there. Overall I have had a pretty great experience with our IVF clinic. This time they dropped the ball.

Monday: I go in for blood work and tell the nurse that I have a few questions. I am happy and want to learn more about what I should and should not do/feel as a newly pregnant woman. She takes me too her office and pulls up my chart as I begin to ask my questions. Our favorite nurse comes in the office and asks how I'm doing...my response, "Pregnant!" accompanied with a smile. She doesn't return my smile which I find odd but does say congratulations. The nurse who is helping me after seeing our interaction asks me if the Doctor talked to me about my levels. I respond no. She then proceeds to tell me that my levels were very low. They usually like to see around a 50 and I was only at 15. Anything over 5 is pregnant, but they like to see much higher numbers. She then tells me that she has seen healthy babies delivered and the first test has only been a 6, so say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed.  I'm stunned, shocked but manage to say thank you, smile and leave. I get in the car and breakdown crying....what just happened?!

I then think of the sermon we heard on Sunday where the pastor preached about Jobs faith. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him!" (Job 13:15)  Job was going through some pretty tough things, but he continued to trust in God. In the end God saw that he was better off than before.

I have Though Faith and I will continue to trust in God.

I get a call later that morning. My numbers have more than doubled to 55!!! God is good.

Wednesday: I am praying, laying my hands on my belly and talking to my little embryos telling them to implant and grow. I go for my blood test in the morning, head to work and wait for the call to tell me about my levels. Most of the time they call me on my cell phone, but occasionally they call our house phone, so I decided to check the messages. I was told, they never leave a message with bad news, they will only talk to you in person. So you can only imagine the horror of my sitting in my car a hour from home listening to a voicemail from my doctor that said "stop taking the medications, your levels went down to 12 which means the pregnancy is not progressing I'm sorry".

What just happened?! Who would leave such a cruel message on an answering machine?! (Trust me I am trying my best to maintain my Christianity and not use more descriptive language to express how I felt)  God what happened? What did I do wrong?

I call my husband who instructs me to calm down enough to drive safely and go home. He works over an hour away, but said he would be on the next bus and meet me.

I cried all the way home. It's the next day and my eyes are still puffy. How will I tell our family who we choose to share the good news with just days early. They were so excited. I feel like I let them down. I know its not my fault, but this is what was going through my head.  Once He got home, he let me cry in his arms. He let me talk and I cried some more. Then he spoke, words that could have only come from spending time in prayer. He told me how much I've grown, how much he loved me, how we were so close and how we were going to be ok. He reminded me that I have "Though Faith"

I was hoping not to have this section in my blog. Everything had gone so smoothly. This is a huge disappointment. This is what I see when I read other online blogs about women going though IVF. Not every time is successful, but what I also see is women trying again.

I have Though Faith. God has seen me this far and He won't put more on me than I can bear. Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him! My trust is in the Lord.

Seedling

On Friday February 4th I received a call from my doctor, "Your blood test came back positive. Congratulations, you're pregnant. Continue taking your estrace and progesterone. Congratulations!" I was ecstatic, overjoyed couldn't wait to share the news with my husband and my family. It was a joyous day! Pregnant...me! There was a time I wondered if it would ever happen. God is so amazing!

To share or not to share?

I think this is a personal thing, heck pregnancy is a personal thing. So what you decide to share with those you love is really a personal choice. Some people are more private while others will shout every detail from the rooftop with no care as to who hears. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I think I would love to tell everyone, but the private part of me that doesn't like dealing with a whole lot of crazy questions is able to retrain me from sharing.
 

Waiting....

The old saying "Patience is a virtue" is no joke. Seriously how many of us have that virtue of patience? I would like to think I do, but as I wait for the day when I can go to the office to do the pregnancy test, I admit that I need to be a bit more virtuous. The thought of just going to the store and buying a pregnancy test has come to mind several times, but I decided that its probably better to wait....to be patient. No need to pay for a test that may or may not detect the pregnancy and put myself through unnecessary ups and downs. So I wait. Lord Help me to be be more virtuous. Amen....