One of the three people that passed away this past week was only 24 years old. The others were much older and had lived long happy lives. Often times it is easy to fill the obituary of an older person. Memberships, honors, awards, countless things that shaped them into the person they became. With younger people it can be more challenging simply due to the lack of years, time and experience in developing their purpose. Every now and then you find someone who is so exceptional they break all the rules. Their experience may be limited but their impact exceeds what takes a lifetime for many.
My devotional* this morning was called "How will you be remembered?", something that has been heavy on my mind lately. The author stated: "One day the only thing people will have of us us a memory, and today we control what that memory will be."
This young lady did not reach 25. I never met her only heard about her struggle and her wonderful spirit. Her story reached so many that at her funeral 50 people came to know Christ and over a 1000 people were in attendance. Clearly she was a wonderful person whose life had a great impact on those around her. The memories that she left in her few years were definitely well constructed and purposeful. Those close to her suffered a great loss, yet they have great memories, How many people can say they have made that much of an impact on others? What memories are you creating? How will you be remembered?
We are called to live life with purpose, on purpose and a for a purpose. Let your steps be ordered by God.
*365 Devotional March 21, 2011 Aaron Sharp
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Battle wounds of Love
Within the past week, I have heard from at least 3 different people who have suffered the loss of a family member or friend. I had this unshakable sadness all week. I have a heart for people. I hate to see others hurting. I think I have compassion for people in this area in particular because I've been going to funerals since I was 8 years old. I've had the fortunate and unfortunate pleasure of loving and losing some people who were very near and dear to me. I love hard so therefore I hurt hard. One day I decided that I would stop loving so hard. I simply decided that it would just be easier to limit relationships with people so when they are gone I wouldn't hurt so bad. While yes, it was a logical thought; it was not a practical thought.
Part of life is pouring your heart into someone else, laughing together, crying together, creating memories with that individual that are unique to the two of you. So of course it hurts when the one person that you have spent time creating memories with passes away. The bond that you shared is broken without intent. The space in your heart for your loved one is left vacant and overtime fills with grief as you mourn your loss. It's hard. At times you feel like its impossible to move on, but eventually you do. You start to think of memories that make you laugh and while they may not be there to share in the joy. You know they would rather see you smile then frown. As time passes, a scab covers the open wound of grief. You are healing, moving forward with memories in tow. A small scar remains reminding you that they were there. A battle wound of loving to hard.
Think of your battle wounds as a badge of honor. For those who I have lost, it was an honor to get to know them. It was an honor to create memories with them, an honor to love them. Know that while the mourning process may be hard, joy really does come in the morning. And when it shows up embrace it! Hold onto the memories and let them take you forward on this battlefield we call life.
Go love someone today!
Part of life is pouring your heart into someone else, laughing together, crying together, creating memories with that individual that are unique to the two of you. So of course it hurts when the one person that you have spent time creating memories with passes away. The bond that you shared is broken without intent. The space in your heart for your loved one is left vacant and overtime fills with grief as you mourn your loss. It's hard. At times you feel like its impossible to move on, but eventually you do. You start to think of memories that make you laugh and while they may not be there to share in the joy. You know they would rather see you smile then frown. As time passes, a scab covers the open wound of grief. You are healing, moving forward with memories in tow. A small scar remains reminding you that they were there. A battle wound of loving to hard.
Think of your battle wounds as a badge of honor. For those who I have lost, it was an honor to get to know them. It was an honor to create memories with them, an honor to love them. Know that while the mourning process may be hard, joy really does come in the morning. And when it shows up embrace it! Hold onto the memories and let them take you forward on this battlefield we call life.
Go love someone today!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
So....when are you going to try again?
It's a question that I am sure many of you are asking, but have not asked us directly. I wish I could give you an answer....actually no I take that back. I am choosing not to give an answer and here is why. We are not completely sure. We want and need some time to continue to heal. It could be a month, it could be a year...I could be pregnant right now (ok I'm not don't get excited). Just to give you a heads up, we probably won't tell you. I think the toughest part of this process was having to tell the people that we love that we were unsuccessful. Please know that we know you were hurt by the news too. It was hard on everyone. This time we plan to keep the process between just the two of us. Seriously I wish I could wait till I was at the hospital about to deliver! LOL.
Please don't be offended continue to keep us in your prayers so when the time comes we will have success!
Don't worry I'll still be writing:)
Please don't be offended continue to keep us in your prayers so when the time comes we will have success!
Don't worry I'll still be writing:)
Get back up again
Many of us know the chorus of a popular song by Donnie McClurkin, "We fall down, but we get up". It's life, many of us learned this lesson while learning to ride a bike. When the training wheels come off we fall down, but we get back up over and over again, until suddenly riding on two wheels feels natural. Sometimes in that learning process we fall and we fall hard, we scrape a knee, shed some tears, but somehow we find ourselves back on the bike trying to ride again. Sometimes after a really hard fall we may have enlisted the help of others to bandage us up, dry our tears and encourage us to try again. The focus is on the "again", trying for another time, or another opportunity. Again, means that we are not giving up, we keep going until we get it right. It can be hard and painful even, but if we are willing to push past the pain and give it another try, there is a possibility that we will accomplish what we set out to do.
I have several instances where this has rang true and one in particular that I will share with you. When I was in high school like most 17 year old's I wanted my drivers license so I went to driving school and took the state driving exam which I failed. Yes I failed my first drivers test....ok you can stop laughing now. I failed because I didn't know how to parallel park. You would think they would have gone over that at driving school, but they didn't and needless to say, no practice, no good, no license. I was completely MORTIFIED! I had to return to school the next day after ALL my friends knew I took the test only to tell them I failed. I was so embarrassed and had made up in my mind that I would just never drive ever again. My pride was hurt and I needed help bandaging myself up so that I could reach my "again". A family member seeing how upset I was made it their mission to get me back on the road. They ensured this time that I knew how to parallel park. I practiced until it was comfortable and returned to the DMV to retake the driving test. I made sure not to tell any of my friends (just in case I failed again). I passed with flying colors! And the rest is history.
It's hard to revisit something that you may have failed in the past. But it doesn't mean that you should stop trying.
We fall down.....but we get up!
I have several instances where this has rang true and one in particular that I will share with you. When I was in high school like most 17 year old's I wanted my drivers license so I went to driving school and took the state driving exam which I failed. Yes I failed my first drivers test....ok you can stop laughing now. I failed because I didn't know how to parallel park. You would think they would have gone over that at driving school, but they didn't and needless to say, no practice, no good, no license. I was completely MORTIFIED! I had to return to school the next day after ALL my friends knew I took the test only to tell them I failed. I was so embarrassed and had made up in my mind that I would just never drive ever again. My pride was hurt and I needed help bandaging myself up so that I could reach my "again". A family member seeing how upset I was made it their mission to get me back on the road. They ensured this time that I knew how to parallel park. I practiced until it was comfortable and returned to the DMV to retake the driving test. I made sure not to tell any of my friends (just in case I failed again). I passed with flying colors! And the rest is history.
It's hard to revisit something that you may have failed in the past. But it doesn't mean that you should stop trying.
We fall down.....but we get up!
Censor
So it's been a while since I have written. It's been a busy week, but really there has been something else on my mind. Someone mentioned that they felt I should make my blog password protected. When they said it, I could feel the anger starting to rise. This is my story and I should feel free to share it with who I please. I felt as if they were trying to censor me. I took a week off (from writing) to process the conversation and this is my response:
I am fully aware that there are somethings that are private and not to be shared with everyone. But I also recognize that this is something that people don't talk about when they probably should. So many women are dealing with fertility issues or going through fertility treatments, more women than you think. They just don't talk about it. Not being able to conceive naturally is often seen as embarrassing. It can make you feel like you are less than a woman. This whole issue has had a very negative stigma attached to it since biblical times. Do you think Sarah really wanted Abraham to conceive a child with her maid? Umm....yeah not so much! As we progress as a culture the stigma associated with fertility issues has decreased, however, there is still a lack of intelligent and open conversation around the issue. So this is my way of sharing my journey in hopes that it might help someone else. This is my therapy as I continue to rebuild my womanhood. This is why I choose not to password protect my blog. I want to share with you what's going on with me. If you are a part of my inner circle these are things I may not share in conversation because it can be uncomfortable and awkward. I have mentioned in earlier posts that I really wasn't interested in talking about it, but thank God I can write about it. This is my outlet. This is your way of knowing what's going on, it's my way of putting to ease your concern about me.
So lets take a look at my blog: If you know who I am, it's only because I sent the link to you and you know what's been going on with me. If you stumbled upon my blog randomly you think my name is Rain, because that's what it says in my profile. I have omitted all names (including my own) and including the fertility center we used. So this is technically an anonymous blog with no personal identification - translation....no password protection necessary. While I have shared parts of my experience, thoughts and inspirational words there is so much that I haven't shared. Those personal things are handwritten in my journal which I keep to myself. I'm sure there are people who feel the opposite of the person who recommended password protection, Why not share my identity? Isn't this about empowerment? Don't you want people to hear your story. Yes it is, and I do, but honestly, I am a private person and while I am neither ashamed nor embarrassed, I'm not quite ready to take that step.
I mean there are some days I want to reveal myself, do something bold like paste my blog in my Facebook status in hopes that someone will read it and feel a sense of hope. But I'm not there, not yet. And lets be honest, while most people have common sense there are a few that are complete idiots who don't think before they speak, ask ridiculously personal questions who are nosy and just want some good gossip. Once I am ready to deal with them, then maybe I'll publish a book about my life story:)
Until then, take this for what it is. My journey, my story, how I want to tell it. If you pass it on, please out of respect, just don't say it's me. I'm trying to help myself and what a blessing if I can help someone else in the process.
I am fully aware that there are somethings that are private and not to be shared with everyone. But I also recognize that this is something that people don't talk about when they probably should. So many women are dealing with fertility issues or going through fertility treatments, more women than you think. They just don't talk about it. Not being able to conceive naturally is often seen as embarrassing. It can make you feel like you are less than a woman. This whole issue has had a very negative stigma attached to it since biblical times. Do you think Sarah really wanted Abraham to conceive a child with her maid? Umm....yeah not so much! As we progress as a culture the stigma associated with fertility issues has decreased, however, there is still a lack of intelligent and open conversation around the issue. So this is my way of sharing my journey in hopes that it might help someone else. This is my therapy as I continue to rebuild my womanhood. This is why I choose not to password protect my blog. I want to share with you what's going on with me. If you are a part of my inner circle these are things I may not share in conversation because it can be uncomfortable and awkward. I have mentioned in earlier posts that I really wasn't interested in talking about it, but thank God I can write about it. This is my outlet. This is your way of knowing what's going on, it's my way of putting to ease your concern about me.
So lets take a look at my blog: If you know who I am, it's only because I sent the link to you and you know what's been going on with me. If you stumbled upon my blog randomly you think my name is Rain, because that's what it says in my profile. I have omitted all names (including my own) and including the fertility center we used. So this is technically an anonymous blog with no personal identification - translation....no password protection necessary. While I have shared parts of my experience, thoughts and inspirational words there is so much that I haven't shared. Those personal things are handwritten in my journal which I keep to myself. I'm sure there are people who feel the opposite of the person who recommended password protection, Why not share my identity? Isn't this about empowerment? Don't you want people to hear your story. Yes it is, and I do, but honestly, I am a private person and while I am neither ashamed nor embarrassed, I'm not quite ready to take that step.
I mean there are some days I want to reveal myself, do something bold like paste my blog in my Facebook status in hopes that someone will read it and feel a sense of hope. But I'm not there, not yet. And lets be honest, while most people have common sense there are a few that are complete idiots who don't think before they speak, ask ridiculously personal questions who are nosy and just want some good gossip. Once I am ready to deal with them, then maybe I'll publish a book about my life story:)
Until then, take this for what it is. My journey, my story, how I want to tell it. If you pass it on, please out of respect, just don't say it's me. I'm trying to help myself and what a blessing if I can help someone else in the process.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Seasons
I live in the northeast and have the pleasure to experience all four seasons. We have had a really rough winter this year and everyone has been complaining and saying how they can't wait for spring to get here.
A few years ago in early spring I was driving and had the most amazing revelation. God was sharing with me the importance of seasons. I was passing trees some of which were starting to show little buds, while others looked dry and bare from the cold of winter. I knew that in a matter of weeks if not days ALL the trees would begin to change. They would be adorned with beautiful flowers with different colors. They go from being barren in the winter time, but in due season they have life.
Regardless of how tough winters are people always look forward to spring. We never hope that spring will come. We know that spring will come. We anticipate the change in seasons. Some people prefer one season over another. I don't know too many people who are crazy about winter. They complain about the snow and having to shovel, its more work, its hard but it only lasts for a few months. The snow melts the flowers bloom our scenery changes as we step into spring. The grass returns to bright green the weather gets warmer, bugs come out of hiding, you have to mow the lawn every week and allergy season begins. It's hard, but it only lasts for a few months. Pollen subsides, flowers on trees turn to leaves, schools out, the temperature rises, and traffic on a Friday is unbearable, its finally summer - it's hard but it only lasts for a few months. The leaves change colors and begin to fall, the temperature drops, time to return to school, vacations over, - Fall is here - it's hard but it only lasts for a few months.
I think you get my point. There are highs and lows associated with every season. The only constant is change. The same applies to life. At times we find ourselves in a place that seems unbearable, we look forward to what's next hoping that it is a better season. When we are able to focus on the beauty of each season, we then can understand that it is sometimes necessary that we go through certain situations in order to grow.
If the flowers from the spring stayed on the trees all year long allergy sufferers would never find relief. If the temperature stays to high in the summer the leaves wouldn't have a chance to change color. In other words there is a reason for everything. We don't have to like it, we have to find a way to live with it. The more willing we are to put up with situations that are not to our liking the stronger we become. The stronger we are, the more we grow. The more we grow, the more we are able to enjoy life.
Learn to Live through the seasons!
A few years ago in early spring I was driving and had the most amazing revelation. God was sharing with me the importance of seasons. I was passing trees some of which were starting to show little buds, while others looked dry and bare from the cold of winter. I knew that in a matter of weeks if not days ALL the trees would begin to change. They would be adorned with beautiful flowers with different colors. They go from being barren in the winter time, but in due season they have life.
Regardless of how tough winters are people always look forward to spring. We never hope that spring will come. We know that spring will come. We anticipate the change in seasons. Some people prefer one season over another. I don't know too many people who are crazy about winter. They complain about the snow and having to shovel, its more work, its hard but it only lasts for a few months. The snow melts the flowers bloom our scenery changes as we step into spring. The grass returns to bright green the weather gets warmer, bugs come out of hiding, you have to mow the lawn every week and allergy season begins. It's hard, but it only lasts for a few months. Pollen subsides, flowers on trees turn to leaves, schools out, the temperature rises, and traffic on a Friday is unbearable, its finally summer - it's hard but it only lasts for a few months. The leaves change colors and begin to fall, the temperature drops, time to return to school, vacations over, - Fall is here - it's hard but it only lasts for a few months.
I think you get my point. There are highs and lows associated with every season. The only constant is change. The same applies to life. At times we find ourselves in a place that seems unbearable, we look forward to what's next hoping that it is a better season. When we are able to focus on the beauty of each season, we then can understand that it is sometimes necessary that we go through certain situations in order to grow.
If the flowers from the spring stayed on the trees all year long allergy sufferers would never find relief. If the temperature stays to high in the summer the leaves wouldn't have a chance to change color. In other words there is a reason for everything. We don't have to like it, we have to find a way to live with it. The more willing we are to put up with situations that are not to our liking the stronger we become. The stronger we are, the more we grow. The more we grow, the more we are able to enjoy life.
Learn to Live through the seasons!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Working out
One major restriction was exercise...NO WORKING OUT. Once I started the stimulation medicine I was told no major movement due to my enlarged ovaries. There is concern that if you run, jump, etc your ovaries can twist around themselves which is very dangerous. Needless to say I haven't seen the inside of the gym for a very long time.
Well for the first time in a long time I returned to my exercise class. Twice this week I jumped, ran the whole nine yards....amazingly I can still feel my limbs lol. I even got to wear the new sneakers the hubby got me for Christmas. It feels good to be back, but I definitely have a long way to go.
Last night was strength training. Both classes are taught by the most awesomely in shape woman who is 61 years old! It gives me hope and pushes me towards my goals. Last night was hard but I managed to make it through. I can even walk this morning! I'm baaaack! (Please check on me tomorrow.....I hear it takes two days for rigamortis to set in LOL)
Well for the first time in a long time I returned to my exercise class. Twice this week I jumped, ran the whole nine yards....amazingly I can still feel my limbs lol. I even got to wear the new sneakers the hubby got me for Christmas. It feels good to be back, but I definitely have a long way to go.
Last night was strength training. Both classes are taught by the most awesomely in shape woman who is 61 years old! It gives me hope and pushes me towards my goals. Last night was hard but I managed to make it through. I can even walk this morning! I'm baaaack! (Please check on me tomorrow.....I hear it takes two days for rigamortis to set in LOL)
IVF Humor
Towards the end of the IVF cycle I had to start taking progesterone shots administered by my dear husband. They were given on either side of my tosh. Progesterone is mixed with oil (peanut, sesame or synthetic) as you know oil is thick so these shots were a bit more painful than the others. Early last month I noticed that skin around the injections sites was tender and itchy. I had it checked out by our favorite nurse who said I might be mildly allergic to the oil. Because there was no redness or bumps she recommended Benedryl cream and said I would be ok. I stopped taking the shots on the 9th but noticed the itchiness was continuing. I went back to the office to have them take another look. Unfortunately our favorite nurse was unavailable and the ONE nurse that I am not a fan of would be checking me out. Yes, this would be the one and only who I have affectionately named Nurse Wretched.
Nurse Wretched is older, the best way to explain her personality is Dry. You work in a fertility clinic for Gods sake put some pep in your step! She shows no emotion, no excitement and often times no recollection of previously speaking with you. She did our ivf orientation....thank God there are other nurses.
Our first run in with this nurse was very early in the process when I had to have a rather uncomfortable exam where they measure the inside uterus with a catheter. I laid their calling on the Name of Jesus and reciting the Lords prayer while my husband held my hand. The Doctor was doing her job while this nurse, perhaps distracted by my prayers felt to the need to start rubbing my leg. By the end of the procedure she had her hand over the top of my husbands as if we were all in this together. While the office visit ended with me in tears, my husband and I ended our evening reenacting this nurse rubbing all over my legs and us cracking up laughing. It may not have been funny while it was happening, but it is definitely something we laugh about frequently.
Ok so back to other day. Nurse Wretched takes me into an exam from tells me to drop trou and bend over. I do as instructed and she starts looking for any signs of redness and feeling for bumps. She finds none, so the exam should be over, but it isn't. She continues to talk telling me that it is common to feel irritation for quite some time even after you stop taking the shots. While she is sharing this information I am still bent over with her hand caressing my bum....Can someone say AWKWARD!!!! My only wish was that my husband was there so he could see the look on my face LOL.
I can't make this stuff up! Have a great day!
Nurse Wretched is older, the best way to explain her personality is Dry. You work in a fertility clinic for Gods sake put some pep in your step! She shows no emotion, no excitement and often times no recollection of previously speaking with you. She did our ivf orientation....thank God there are other nurses.
Our first run in with this nurse was very early in the process when I had to have a rather uncomfortable exam where they measure the inside uterus with a catheter. I laid their calling on the Name of Jesus and reciting the Lords prayer while my husband held my hand. The Doctor was doing her job while this nurse, perhaps distracted by my prayers felt to the need to start rubbing my leg. By the end of the procedure she had her hand over the top of my husbands as if we were all in this together. While the office visit ended with me in tears, my husband and I ended our evening reenacting this nurse rubbing all over my legs and us cracking up laughing. It may not have been funny while it was happening, but it is definitely something we laugh about frequently.
Ok so back to other day. Nurse Wretched takes me into an exam from tells me to drop trou and bend over. I do as instructed and she starts looking for any signs of redness and feeling for bumps. She finds none, so the exam should be over, but it isn't. She continues to talk telling me that it is common to feel irritation for quite some time even after you stop taking the shots. While she is sharing this information I am still bent over with her hand caressing my bum....Can someone say AWKWARD!!!! My only wish was that my husband was there so he could see the look on my face LOL.
I can't make this stuff up! Have a great day!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
In Due Season
Everyone is on Facebook these days, my friends, cousins, mom and even my 86 year old Grandmother. It's amazing what people will share in their statuses or photos that they post. Sometimes it's just too much. But every now and then you have people that use Facebook not for their own personal demise (BTW -(By The Way) that's what you are doing when you post crazy stuff for all the world to see but that's a whole other blog) but for the good of someone else. They post inspirational quotes, words of wisdom and scripture. This morning as I scrolled through my news feed I came across the following scripture that was posted as someones status:
~Galations 6:9
It was like the status jumped off the page and smacked me dead in the face. I will reap if I don't lose heart. I feel like I am doing good, but there have been times when I have grown weary and begin losing heart. I've pushed through and and now I'm waiting for my due season, that specified time that only God knows when I will reap my reward. What an awesome verse! (Not to mention how it works with the whole waiting for flowers to bloom theme:)
I encourage whoever is reading this to apply this to whatever it is that you are going through. Be strong, don't get weary....your season will come! (So will mine!)
~Galations 6:9
It was like the status jumped off the page and smacked me dead in the face. I will reap if I don't lose heart. I feel like I am doing good, but there have been times when I have grown weary and begin losing heart. I've pushed through and and now I'm waiting for my due season, that specified time that only God knows when I will reap my reward. What an awesome verse! (Not to mention how it works with the whole waiting for flowers to bloom theme:)
I encourage whoever is reading this to apply this to whatever it is that you are going through. Be strong, don't get weary....your season will come! (So will mine!)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Not such a bad day after all
I started my day feeling a little sad. Not sure why, but I was. It was like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I rushed to get out of the house and ended up having a slightly less than productive day at work. I decided I needed a "pick me up". I'm not a daily coffee drinker, but I love I mean LOVE the iced coffee at Quick Check. (Weird right?!) Anyhoo... I go off the beaten path to find this coffee that I know will give me the fix that I am looking for. Only to find that whatever was left in the iced coffee machine was the very last little bit which had stuff floating in it....ewwww. I asked a lady working there if they had more, she sent someone to check and told me to leave my coffee on the counter and she would throw it out for me. I placed the 3/4 filled cup on the counter and accidentally knock it over....smh (that's Shaking My Head for all you non-abbreviation people). I felt terrible, I almost started crying....yeah it was one of those types of days. The lady was pleasant as I continued to apologize profusely wishing I could go behind the counter and clean the spill myself. I just wanted to get my coffee and leave....well they were out of the house blend which meant no fix for me:( I got back on the road and headed to my first office. I'm on the road all day so I have my "designated restrooms" places where I can go and know that I will find a clean bathroom that meets my standards. I get to where I'm going and decide to make a pit stop only to find out that my rest area (a local health food store) has been shut down....like there was a sign stating that the property and everything inside was owned by the government...Forget a bad day, clearly they weren't having a good year!
Long story short, I got home and decided to watch Blood Diamond which has been in my DVR que for like a month. As I sat and watched a country going though civil war and saw people getting killed for no reason, I realized that I have it pretty darn good. I am blessed and while I may think I'm having a bad day, I'm really not. There are so many people whose situation are far worse than mine. I have a lot to be thankful for and must remember that regardless of what I'm going through I'm better off than so many others. It's also at times like this when clarity is staring me in the face I dream about how I can help people in need because there are so many in desparate need of a helping hand.
So looking back...my day was not so bad....after all there is always tomorrow!
Long story short, I got home and decided to watch Blood Diamond which has been in my DVR que for like a month. As I sat and watched a country going though civil war and saw people getting killed for no reason, I realized that I have it pretty darn good. I am blessed and while I may think I'm having a bad day, I'm really not. There are so many people whose situation are far worse than mine. I have a lot to be thankful for and must remember that regardless of what I'm going through I'm better off than so many others. It's also at times like this when clarity is staring me in the face I dream about how I can help people in need because there are so many in desparate need of a helping hand.
So looking back...my day was not so bad....after all there is always tomorrow!
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