I got work to do!

I had just received the greatest news ever! I was going to be a mommy. I was on cloud nine. Everyday I woke up thanking God for the life in my belly. I was excited to start to "feel pregnant". It made it seem more real. I always wondered what morning sickness and being extra tired felt like....crazy right?! But that's how bad I wanted to be a mom and it was FINALLY happening!

Well just as I started to "feel pregnant" I had to journey down to VA to play my role as Matron of Honor for my cousin and best friend's bachelorette party and bridal shower. We spent months planning and the weekend was finally here. This would be the first time away from my husband since I had gotten the good news. Remember now, we decided to wait until the end of the first trimester before we told anyone (parents included). The end of the first trimester was a good 7 weeks away. How was I going to get through this weekend without telling a soul?!

My husband and I had a plan. He loaded up the car for me, I had a ton of stuff, air mattress, gifts, decorations, clothes, etc. He packed snacks, crackers and ginger ale. We agreed on a strategy to deflect any attention away from me. If asked I would tell people I simply wasn't feeling well, maybe it was a bug or something.

I was nervous, but equipped with a strategy. I was ready! If I was able to pull this off, I knew it would make for a great story!

Our little secret

As mentioned no one knew that we were doing another cycle. This time the plan was to wait before we started telling people. It was hard to contain such good news. We wanted to get further into the pregnancy to avoid being disappointed ourselves or disappointing others. The rule of thumb is waiting until the end of the first trimester before you start telling people because there is a drastic decrease in the risk of miscarriage.

There are a lot risks in early pregnancy. At any moment something could go wrong. It's a really strange time because you obviously don't look pregnant and you don't necessarily feel pregnant and it top it off....no one knows (unless you tell them). For the first few weeks we were super careful, making sure to plan out activities and to avoid anything that might cause a loss of the pregnancy. It was pretty easy, no one seemed to notice the minor changes in behavior. Our plan seemed to be working. We were going to wait until the end of the first trimester to share the good news

Then around 5 weeks I started "feeling pregnant". I was really tired all the time. I started going to bed earlier and taking naps. The journey had definitely begun. It was our little secret, but not for long.

The Call

I went to the office at 7 AM the morning of the end of the two week wait. I was excited, nervous, anxious and every other possible emotion you could think of (remember my hormone levels were still kinda wacky LOL). I returned home hoping they would call sooner rather than later. I tried to distract myself, but my mind was racing. What if they say that I'm not pregnant...AGAIN? How will I react? What will I do? I told God I would be okay...but was that the truth? Obviously if they say I'm pregnant I'll be ecstatic, but I don't want to go there....remember what happened the last time.

I sat, I cried, I tried relaxation techniques, I prayed, but nothing could get rid of the knot in my chest. Around 9 AM my cell  phone rang. It was the office. I took a deep breath. Trying to sound as calm as possible I said hello?

The voice on the other end was not the doctor. It was one of my favorite nurses. She said my name with exuberance....I still wouldn't allow myself to get excited. And then she said the words that my heart new was possible but my mind needed to hear. YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!  She continues to tell me that my HCG levels were super high (The higher the better) and while typically the Doctor calls patients with the results she asked if she could deliver the good news herself.

Tears streamed down my face. God is so good!!! This was His timing. Sometimes we face challenges that seem impossible to overcome. I truly believe there is always a lesson to be learned. I learned to be even more thankful. Thankful that God saw fit to bless my husband and I.

I called my husband at work still crying to share the good news. It was our little secret. Our seeds were planted and now it was time to watch them grow.

Waiting...AGAIN

There is one part of this process that never gets any easier regardless of how many times you've done it. The two week wait is simply unavoidable. It is possibly one of the most mentally challenging parts of the process. You are still taking medication on a daily basis. You question every change in your body and basically, there is nothing you can do about it.

As a refresher, after the frozen transfer you have to wait for two weeks to find out if you are pregnant or not. So for two weeks there are no doctor visits and honestly no real way of telling if you're pregnant or not. Many of the symptoms that you may feel can simply be from the progesterone cause your hormones are all over the place. Some women may take drug store pregnancy test. I considered it, but those tests are not as effective as blood tests and didn't want to further add to my anxiety.

I try to be a positive person, but I couldn't help but expect the best and plan for the worst. I was so scared that there would be a repeat of what happened before.

I did a lot of praying during those two weeks. I let God know that I knew He had a plan for me and if this wasn't my time that I would be okay.

Finally the day came and the wait was over!

So what's been going on......

Well we decided to take a little break from IVF. It's a very involved process. Many woman choose to start a new cycle after a failed cycle, we felt it best to wait. I needed to refuel mentally. Initially I thought I was ready to jump back in the swing of things right away, but after taking a break I appreciated our rationale. We took time to simply relax. The most important thing was avoiding stress and staying calm. We took a few days and went away to just be alone. We had one of the best couple massages imaginable. Once the trip was over we returned to the doctor and started a new frozen cycle.

It was less involved compared to a fresh cycle. The trips to the office were weekly rather than daily. It felt less stressful having "gone through the process" already. The nurses and staff were so excited to have us back. Everyone was positive that this time we were going to be successful!

Although my heart was set on success my mind was still cluttered with the reality that there was a chance this time would not work either. I really had to focus on rebuilding my faith (Full Assurance In The Heart), knowing that success was attainable.

It wasn't an easy ride. This time we decided not to share what we were doing with anyone (hence why I am only now posting this entry). I had a few challenges with progesterone and had to flip flop between injections and suppositories. It was draining mentally but thank God I have a supportive husband who always knew the right thing to say when I felt like giving up.

On July 31st we went in for the frozen transfer of two embryos....

She said "Rain Rain Please Don't go away"

I guess I did what I said I wouldn't. I disappeared for a few months. I received an email from a friend asking where I had been. Apparently somebody wants to hear from me so guess what....I'M BACK!
The forecast is calling for rain and let me tell you it's gonna rain hard cause I have lots to say.

A whole lot has happened since my last post and I'll be sure to get you up to speed. But first let me address the question that I'm sure many of you are wondering....why did I stop writing? I find I write the most when I am "going through" something. It's my coping mechanism. It's that thing that helps me see a brighter tomorrow and gets me through. Now let me clarify. When things are good I can write too, I just tend to write more during intense situations because it's therapeutic. At some point in May/June I found myself in a place of normalcy. There wasn't much going on, I think I found peace and simply enjoyed living in it. I was also in a place of preparation. I knew that we were going to try again this time with a frozen cycle. Knowing that we decided not to be as open as to when we were starting a new cycle I was challenged with being able to share how I was feeling with you all. So I guess you can say I just kept things to myself. It was a very introspective time. Looking back it's what I needed. Moving forward I know I need to put more thoughts on paper. So I guess you can say it's raining all over again:)

If I could be anything.....

I think I would want to be a dancer. There is just something so beautiful about expressing yourself with your entire being. Being able to control and release muscles to create movement that sings.

I guess in a way I allow my words to do the dancing.
Poetry in motion.
Isolating phrases to create rhythmic prose is dancing I suppose.
An intellectual tap dance placing readers in a trance
Fixated on the next line
Feel the tempo keeping time
I two step around things on my mind
Shuffling through life I get my hustle on
I get sore if I do it to long
Hip hop watch me drop knowledge likes it hot
These aren't just words it's a talent that I've got
I'm a modern girl living a ballerina's dream
Cha cha with me if you want to be on my team
Cause if i could be anything......
©Rain


Ha.....there is that poetry I promised:)

The 90-10 Rule

Last year I received a card in the mail that said. "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." So powerful and so true. When you really think about it, all of us have heard the wonderful stories about people who grew up with nothing and ended up being lawyers, doctors, executives, etc. We may not have a choice in the deck life has dealt, however we do have a choice on how we will deal with what we've been given. It may not seem fair (most of the time it isn't), but if we fix our attitude in such a way that we can get over the injustice, we just might be able to get to where we want to go a little bit faster. However if we stay down wallowing in our sorrows and throwing constant pity parties we end up going no where.

It's human nature to want to share your woes with someone else, unfortunately 90% of the time no one really cares! EVERYONE has something going on, so rather than spending most of your time drowning in your own sorrows, take time to think of someone else.

Studies have shown that people feel better when they are helping someone else. Spend 90% of your helping others and 10% having your own private pity parties. I guarantee you will look at the world in a whole different light. 

So I said I was a Poet...ha!

So I'm sure some of you are like, "she said she was a poet....well where the heck is the poetry?!" Good question. A lot of it is stuck in my head waiting for the right time to pour out. Something I'm sure many of you do not know is that I haven't really written anything in a while. Let me give you a little history about "Rain the Poet". I started writing poetry when I was in like 3rd grade. I even got published in the school news letter a few times. I fell in love with the Harlem renaissance and the poets of that time. I memorized poetry and would recite it during assemblies. I even translated Maya Angelou's Phenomenal Women into French and recited it at The Alliance Francais meeting. I am passionate about words written with so much meaning they literally dance off the page. In college I started writing longer poems which were considered spoken word. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I read it and people loved it. I started writing more and more. I was able to take an ugly situation and make it cry beautiful tears on a page. Then one day it stopped. My Aunt died, a horrible ugly death. I remember being in church writing ferociously a poem to honor her life. She never heard my poetry. I never had the chance to share it with her. But I was able to write this beautiful poem that was dedicated to her life. I took her passing very VERY hard. I was away at college away from family unable to leak out meaningful words from my pen. It was like her death sucked the life out of my creative ability to write beautiful prose. I would try and would end up hating what I wrote, so for a while I just stopped. It was a slow process but out of grief I pushed myself to return to the one thing that used to give me comfort. I fought through it and every now and then I am inspired and write something beautiful. It like she smiles down on me and returns life into my pen.

It's ironic even now 9 years later, I still struggle to write and share my poetry. It just doesn't come as easy as it used to. This post in particular has been in the "edit" field for over a month.  I was hoping to end with a few lines of poetry....but its just not happening, at least not this time. I will continue to try and hope that one day my gift will leak out and once again fill the lines of my notebook with words that paint pictures and leave memories. Until then...I digress.

A purpose driven life

One of the three people that passed away this past week was only 24 years old. The others were much older and had lived long happy lives. Often times it is easy to fill the obituary of an older person. Memberships, honors, awards, countless things that shaped them into the person they became. With younger people it can be more challenging simply due to the lack of years, time and experience in developing their purpose. Every now and then you find someone who is so exceptional they break all the rules. Their experience may be limited but their impact exceeds what takes a lifetime for many.

My devotional* this morning was called "How will you be remembered?", something that has been heavy on my mind lately. The author stated: "One day the only thing people will have of us us a memory, and today we control what that memory will be." 

This young lady did not reach 25. I never met her only heard about her struggle and her wonderful spirit. Her story reached so many that at her funeral 50 people came to know Christ and over a 1000 people were in attendance. Clearly she was a wonderful person whose life had a great impact on those around her. The memories that she left in her few years were definitely well constructed and purposeful.  Those close to her suffered a great loss, yet they have great memories,  How many people can say they have made that much of an impact on others? What memories are you  creating? How will you be remembered?

We are called to live life with purpose, on purpose and a for a purpose. Let your steps be ordered by God.



*365 Devotional March 21, 2011 Aaron Sharp

Battle wounds of Love

Within the past week, I have heard from at least 3 different people who have suffered the loss of a family member or friend. I had this unshakable sadness all week.  I have a heart for people. I hate to see others hurting. I think I have compassion for people in this area in particular because I've been going to funerals since I was 8 years old.   I've had the fortunate and unfortunate pleasure of loving and losing some people who were very near and dear to me. I love hard so therefore I hurt hard. One day I decided that I would stop loving so hard. I simply decided that it would just be easier to limit relationships with people so when they are gone I wouldn't hurt so bad. While yes, it was a logical thought; it was not a practical thought.

Part of life is pouring your heart into someone else, laughing together, crying together, creating memories with that individual that are unique to the two of you. So of course it hurts when the one person that you have spent time creating memories with passes away. The bond that you shared is broken without intent. The space in your heart for your loved one is left vacant and overtime fills with grief as you mourn your loss. It's hard. At times you feel like its impossible to move on, but eventually you do. You start to think of memories that make you laugh and while they may not be there to share in the joy. You know they would rather see you smile then frown. As time passes, a scab covers the open wound of grief. You are healing, moving forward with memories in tow.  A small scar remains reminding you that they were there. A battle wound of loving to hard.

Think of your battle wounds as a badge of honor. For those who I have lost, it was an honor to get to know them. It was an honor to create memories with them, an honor to love them. Know that while the mourning process may be hard, joy really does come in the morning. And when it shows up embrace it! Hold onto the memories and let them take you forward on this battlefield we call life.

Go love someone today!

So....when are you going to try again?

It's a question that I am sure many of you are asking, but have not asked us directly. I wish I could give you an answer....actually no I take that back. I am choosing not to give an answer and here is why. We are not completely sure. We want and need some time to continue to heal. It could be a month, it could be a year...I could be pregnant right now (ok I'm not don't get excited). Just to give you a heads up, we probably won't tell you. I think the toughest part of this process was having to tell the people that we love that we were unsuccessful. Please know that we know you were hurt by the news too. It was hard on everyone. This time we plan to keep the process between just the two of us. Seriously I wish I could wait till I was at the hospital about to deliver! LOL.

Please don't be offended continue to keep us in your prayers so when the time comes we will have success!

Don't worry I'll still be writing:)

Get back up again

Many of us know the chorus of a popular song by Donnie McClurkin, "We fall down, but we get up". It's life, many of us learned this lesson while learning to ride a bike. When the training wheels come off we fall down, but we get back up over and over again, until suddenly riding on two wheels feels natural. Sometimes in that learning process we fall and we fall hard, we scrape a knee, shed some tears, but somehow we find ourselves back on the bike trying to ride again. Sometimes after a really hard fall we may have enlisted the help of others to bandage us up, dry our tears and encourage us to try again. The focus is on the "again", trying for another time, or another opportunity. Again, means that we are not giving up, we keep going until we get it right. It can be hard and painful even, but if we are willing to push past the pain and give it another try, there is a possibility that we will accomplish what we set out to do.

I have several instances where this has rang true and one in particular that I will share with you. When I was in high school like most 17 year old's I wanted my drivers license so I went to driving school and took the state driving exam which I failed. Yes I failed my first drivers test....ok you can stop laughing now. I failed because I didn't know how to parallel park. You would think they would have gone over that at driving school, but they didn't and needless to say, no practice, no good, no license. I was completely  MORTIFIED! I had to return to school the next day after ALL my friends knew I took the test only to tell them I failed. I was so embarrassed and had made up in my mind that I would just never drive ever again.  My pride was hurt and I needed help bandaging myself up so that I could reach my "again". A family member seeing how upset I was made it their mission to get me back on the road. They ensured this time that I knew how to parallel park. I practiced until it was comfortable and returned to the DMV to retake the driving test. I made sure not to tell any of my friends (just in case I failed again). I passed with flying colors! And the rest is history.

It's hard to revisit something that you may have failed in the past. But it doesn't mean that you should stop trying.

We fall down.....but we get up!

Censor

So it's been a while since I have written. It's been a busy week, but really there has been something else on my mind. Someone mentioned that they felt I should make my blog password protected. When they said it, I could feel the anger starting to rise. This is my story and I should feel free to share it with who I please. I felt as if they were trying to censor me. I took a week off (from writing) to process the conversation and this is my response:

I am fully aware that there are somethings that are private and not to be shared with everyone. But I also recognize that this is something that people don't talk about when they probably should. So many women are dealing with fertility issues or going through fertility treatments, more women than you think. They just don't talk about it. Not being able to conceive naturally is often seen as embarrassing. It can make you feel like you are less than a woman. This whole issue has had a very negative stigma attached to it since biblical times. Do you think Sarah really wanted Abraham to conceive a child with her maid? Umm....yeah not so much! As we progress as a culture the stigma associated with fertility issues has decreased, however, there is still a lack of intelligent and open conversation around the issue. So this is my way of sharing my journey in hopes that it might help someone else. This is my therapy as I continue to rebuild my womanhood. This is why I choose not to password protect my blog. I want to share with you what's going on with me. If you are a part of my inner circle these are things I may not share in conversation because it can be uncomfortable and awkward.  I have mentioned in earlier posts that I really wasn't interested in talking about it, but thank God I can write about it. This is my outlet. This is your way of knowing what's going on, it's my way of putting to ease your concern about me.

So lets take a look at my blog: If you know who I am, it's only because I sent the link to you and you know what's been going on with me. If you stumbled upon my blog randomly you think my name is Rain, because that's what it says in my profile. I have omitted all names (including my own) and including the fertility center we used. So this is technically an anonymous blog with no personal identification - translation....no password protection necessary. While I have shared parts of my experience, thoughts and inspirational words there is so much that I haven't shared. Those  personal things are handwritten in my journal which I keep to myself. I'm sure there are people who feel the opposite of the person who recommended password protection,  Why not share my identity? Isn't this about empowerment? Don't you want people to hear your story. Yes it is, and I do,  but honestly,  I am a private person and while I am neither ashamed nor embarrassed, I'm not quite ready to take that step.
I mean there are some days I want to reveal myself, do something bold like paste my blog in my Facebook status in hopes that someone will read it and feel a sense of hope. But I'm not there, not yet. And lets be honest, while most people have common sense there are a few that are complete idiots who don't think before they speak, ask ridiculously personal questions who are nosy and just want some good gossip. Once I am ready to deal with them, then maybe I'll publish a book about my life story:)

Until then, take this for what it is. My journey, my story, how I want to tell it. If you pass it on, please out of respect, just don't say it's me. I'm trying to help myself and what a blessing if I can help someone else in the process. 

Seasons

 I live in the northeast and have the pleasure to experience all four seasons. We have had a really rough winter this year and everyone has been complaining and saying how they can't wait for spring to get here.

A few years ago in early spring I was driving and had the most amazing revelation. God was sharing with me the importance of seasons. I was passing trees some of which were starting to show little buds, while others looked dry and bare from the cold of winter. I knew that in a matter of weeks if not days ALL the trees would begin to change. They would be adorned with beautiful flowers with different colors. They go from being barren in the winter time, but in due season they have life.

Regardless of how tough winters are people always look forward to spring. We never hope that spring will come. We know that spring will come.  We anticipate the change in seasons. Some people prefer one season over another. I don't know too many people who are crazy about winter. They complain about the snow and having to shovel, its more work, its hard but it only lasts for a few months. The snow melts the flowers bloom our scenery changes as we step into spring. The grass returns to bright green the weather gets warmer, bugs come out of hiding, you have to mow the lawn every week and allergy season begins. It's hard, but it only lasts for a few months. Pollen subsides, flowers on trees turn to leaves, schools out, the temperature rises, and traffic on a Friday is unbearable, its finally summer - it's hard but it only lasts for a few months. The leaves change colors and begin to fall, the temperature drops, time to return to school, vacations over, - Fall is here - it's hard but it only lasts for a few months.

I think you get my point. There are highs and lows associated with every season. The only constant is change. The same applies to life. At times we find ourselves in a place that seems unbearable, we look forward to what's next hoping that it is a better season. When we are able to focus on the beauty of each season, we then can understand that it is sometimes necessary that we go through certain situations in order to grow.

If the flowers from the spring stayed on the trees all year long allergy sufferers would never find relief. If the temperature stays to high in the summer the leaves wouldn't have a chance to change color. In other words there is a reason for everything. We don't have to like it, we have to find a way to live with it. The more willing we are to put up with situations that are not to our liking the stronger we become. The stronger we are, the more we grow. The more we grow, the more we are able to enjoy life.

Learn to Live through the seasons!

Working out

One major restriction was exercise...NO WORKING OUT. Once I started the stimulation medicine I was told no major movement due to my enlarged ovaries. There is concern that if you run, jump, etc your ovaries can twist around themselves which is very dangerous. Needless to say I haven't seen the inside of the gym for a very long time.

Well for the first time in a long time I returned to my exercise class.  Twice this week I jumped, ran the whole nine yards....amazingly I can still feel my limbs lol.  I even got to wear the new sneakers the hubby got me for Christmas. It feels good to be back, but I definitely have a long way to go.

Last night was strength training. Both classes are taught by the most awesomely in shape woman who is 61 years old! It gives me hope and pushes me towards my goals. Last night was hard but I managed to make it through. I can even walk this morning! I'm baaaack! (Please check on me tomorrow.....I hear it takes two days for rigamortis to set in LOL)

IVF Humor

Towards the end of the IVF cycle I had to start taking progesterone shots administered by my dear husband. They were given on either side of my tosh. Progesterone is mixed with oil (peanut, sesame or synthetic) as you know oil is thick so these shots were a bit more painful than the others. Early last month I noticed that skin around the injections sites was tender and itchy. I had it checked out by our favorite nurse who said I might be mildly allergic to the oil. Because there was no redness or bumps she recommended Benedryl cream and said I would be ok. I stopped taking the shots on the 9th but noticed the itchiness was continuing. I went back to the office to have them take another look. Unfortunately our favorite nurse was unavailable and the ONE nurse that I am not a fan of would be checking me out. Yes, this would be the one and only who I have affectionately named Nurse Wretched.

Nurse Wretched is older, the best way to explain her personality is Dry. You work in a fertility clinic for Gods sake put some pep in your step!  She shows no emotion, no excitement and often times no recollection of previously speaking with you. She did our ivf orientation....thank God there are other nurses.


Our first run in with this nurse was very early in the process when I had to have a rather uncomfortable exam where they measure the inside uterus with a catheter. I laid their calling on the Name of Jesus and reciting the Lords prayer while my husband held my hand. The Doctor was doing her job while this nurse, perhaps distracted by my prayers felt to the need to start rubbing my leg. By the end of the procedure she had her hand over the top of my husbands as if we were all in this together. While the office visit ended with me in tears, my husband and I ended our evening reenacting this nurse rubbing all over my legs and us cracking up laughing.  It may not have been funny while it was happening, but it is definitely something we laugh about frequently.

Ok so back to other day. Nurse Wretched takes me into an exam from tells me to drop trou and bend over. I do as instructed and she starts looking for any signs of redness and feeling for bumps. She finds none, so the exam should be over, but it isn't. She continues to talk telling me that it is common to feel irritation for quite some time even after you stop taking the shots. While she is sharing this information I am still bent over with her hand caressing my bum....Can someone say AWKWARD!!!! My only wish was that my husband was there so he could see the look on my face LOL.

I can't make this stuff up! Have a great day!

In Due Season

Everyone is on Facebook these days, my friends, cousins, mom and even my 86 year old Grandmother. It's amazing what people will share in their statuses or photos that they post. Sometimes it's just too much. But every now and then you have people that use Facebook not for their own personal demise (BTW -(By The Way) that's what you are doing when you post crazy stuff for all the world to see but that's a whole other blog) but for the good of someone else. They post inspirational quotes, words of wisdom and scripture. This morning as I scrolled through my news feed I came across the following scripture that was posted as someones status:  

I will not grow weary while doing good, for in due season, I will reap if I do not lose heart. 
~Galations 6:9

It was like the status jumped off the page and smacked me dead in the face. I will reap if I don't lose heart. I feel like I am doing good, but there have been times when I have grown weary and begin losing heart. I've pushed through and and now I'm waiting for my due season, that specified time that only God knows when I will reap my reward.  What an awesome verse! (Not to mention how it works with the whole waiting for flowers to bloom theme:)

I encourage whoever is reading this to apply this to whatever it is that you are going through. Be strong, don't get weary....your season will come! (So will mine!)

Not such a bad day after all

I started my day feeling a little sad. Not sure why, but I was. It was like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I rushed to get out of the house and ended up having a slightly less than productive day at work. I decided I needed a "pick me up". I'm not a daily coffee drinker, but I love I mean LOVE the iced coffee at Quick Check. (Weird right?!) Anyhoo... I go off the beaten path to find this coffee that I know will give me the fix that I am looking for. Only to find that whatever was left in the iced coffee machine was the very last little bit which had stuff floating in it....ewwww. I asked a lady working there if they had more, she sent someone to check and told me to leave my coffee on the counter and she would throw it out for me. I placed the 3/4 filled cup on the counter and accidentally knock it over....smh (that's Shaking My Head for all you non-abbreviation people). I felt terrible, I almost started crying....yeah it was one of those types of days. The lady was pleasant as I continued to apologize profusely wishing I could go behind the counter and clean the spill myself. I just wanted to get my coffee and leave....well they were out of the house blend which meant no fix for me:( I got back on the road and headed to my first office. I'm on the road all day so I have my "designated restrooms" places where I can go and know that I will find a clean bathroom that meets my standards. I get to where I'm going and decide to make a pit stop only to find out that my rest area (a local health food store) has been shut down....like there was a sign stating that the property and everything inside was owned by the government...Forget a bad day, clearly they weren't having a good year!

Long story short, I got home and decided to watch Blood Diamond which has been in my DVR que for like a month. As I sat and watched a country going though civil war and saw people getting killed for no reason, I realized that I have it pretty darn good. I am blessed and while I may think I'm having a bad day, I'm really not. There are so many people whose situation are far worse than mine. I have a lot to be thankful for and must remember that regardless of what I'm going through I'm better off than so many others. It's also at times like this when clarity is staring me in the face I dream about how I can help people in need because there are so many in desparate need of a helping hand.

So looking back...my day was not so bad....after all there is always tomorrow!

No Restrictions

While going through IVF I had a lot of restrictions. Take this medicine, stop taking other vitamins, no exercise, no lifting, don't eat this, don't drink that and you can only have sex three days after we say so when the sun is facing east and the temperature is 38.9 degrees and the wind is blowing 15 mph and by the way use a condom!!!! That alone can drive a sane person crazy! Clearly you follow all the doctors orders in hopes of a favorable outcome. When that happens it makes it all seem worth it. You easily forget all those things you couldn't do because you reaped the reward that you so desperately wanted. When you don't have a favorable outcome ummm....well the best way to put is...SERIOUSLY?! Argh!!! LOL

Needless to say while the Final outcome we were hoping for didn't occur, we did managed to have positive outcomes throughout  parts of the process, that have left us with 9 frozen embryos. So yes, it was worth it. Our prayer that is when the times comes when and we are ready to try again, we will reap the full reward.

So in a sense we are in limbo. The nice part about limbo is....NO RESTRICTIONS!!!! The red tape has been lifted and I'm able to function like a normal human being again:) Woooo Hooo!  I can eat what I want, drink what I want, run and jump if I want to and disregard any instructions when it comes to practicing procreation! The world is my oyster!

I'm learning to celebrate the little things, it keeps the days moving the healing coming.

Laughter....medicine for the soul

Whenever I'm in a bad mood I don't feel like laughing. I mean it's called a bad mood for a reason. However, if something or someone catches me off guard, I will laugh involuntarily and actually enjoy it. While it certainly isn't the easiest thing to do, I try to make myself laugh during times when I am down in hopes that it will pull me out of the funk.

The day I got the voice mail that I was no longer pregnant, I cried and cried and cried some more. We decided to have dinner at Red Lobsters (we both had a craving for those cheddar bay biscuits). At dinner we reminisced about how our parents used to take us there. We were like Red Lobster historians as we critiqued the new breading on the fried shrimp. Despite the news we received earlier that day, we laughed and laughed and laughed. All those happy endorphins flooded our souls and for a moment all was right with the world.

On a recent not so good day we decided to watch Coming to America....you talk about laughing?! Now that's some strong medicine right there!

I have a laughing buddy who has been a tremendous help through this whole process. A couple days when I figured, I would just go home and cry it out, she called and we can't help but make jokes and laugh until our abs hurt. We talk for hours and our conversations usually end with sore tummy's, sore cheeks hoarse voices and great memories. I'm so blessed to have some one that knows just what to say to get that good medicine flowing. We actually talked tonight....and all is well with my soul!

THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU

My Grandmother used to tell me this all the time! As I've gotten older, I've come to realize just how true it really is. The world revolves around no one. Just because you may be going through something doesn't necessarily mean that anyone else should care. The world will not recreate its center around you and your problem. People have their own situations to deal with. We gain a new perspective when we realize that others are going through hard times too...it's not just us. It's so easy to get caught up with what is happening to us, that we don't take time to think of what may be going on in someone else's life.

I am reminded of this when someone is rude to me or cuts me off in traffic. There must be something going on with them. It helps me take the focus of off me and put it on the fact that someone else may be hurting. At times when people actually share what has been going on in their life it makes you realize that what you are going through really isn't that bad.

A pastor stated in his sermon that whatever your situation - You are not the first to have to deal with it. It may seem like the end of the world, but somewhere, someone has dealt with those same feelings and the same situation. Remembering that takes away the edge. Others have lost jobs, family members, pregnancies, etc. I'm not the first and unfortunately I won't be the last. I find solace in knowing that other people have made it through the same situation I am in. I find hope in knowing that life goes on and even gets better.

I don't want the world revolving around me....don't need all that attention....none of us do:)

It's still dark....

I remember being a kid and trying to stay up until the sun came up. It felt like it would take forever before that little peak of light would show up. That's how I feel right now. I'm waiting for that peak of light. That "joy comes in the morning" light. Every now and then I feel like everything is right with the world, then I remember what is wrong and fall into a funk once again. I keep reminding myself that it has been less than 2 weeks. It's okay to feel like this, it's just not okay to get stuck here. At some point, the light has to come. Morning comes everyday, it's one of the few constants. I'm just waiting for God to say "Let there be light". Until then....I wait

It just happens

When things happen to us in life we often search for the why? In our journey to find answers we are often left without closure. Somethings just happen. There is no answer and you find no solace in "that's just the way the cookie crumbles" or "you win some you lose some". Those answers simply don't cut it. We live in such a scientific world where there are answers for everything. we do hundreds if not thousands of google searches to gain more information. But sometimes there are situations where google is no help. This is where many people blame God. Natural disasters and when bad things happen to good people, those things that can't be explained by science..... Well then God must be the cause....what else could it be? Maybe it's science that we have yet to uncover. I think blaming God is the easy way out. It's actually pretty ironic. People curse God for bad situations and in the same breath ask for His help....which one is it? Does God hurt us or help us? I'll go with help us. I can't blame God because he has been too good to me He had helped me through tough situations and I know He'll help me through this. The great thing about my God is that He is the same yesterday, today and forever!!!

The Darkest Hour is Before Dawn

I've come to realize, this is still a process, it's a part of the process that I didn't plan for. I knew that at any point in the IVF process something could fail, but I chose not to think about it. I chose not to plan for the worst. Even if I had of I don't think I would feel any differently than I do now.

It hasn't even been a week, but I'm feeling much better. Time is beginning to pour its soothing salve on my open wounds. I'm laughing more and crying less. I'm so thankful for my wonderful support system. You all have been great! Thank you for understanding what I need to help move forward. Thanks for your texts and e-mails that have made me laugh. Thanks for reminding me that I have great friends and people that love me.

My Grandmother always says, "The darkest hour is just before dawn." I can't quite say good morning....but I will say Good night to that chapter in the process.

Putting the pieces back together

My husband has been the best through this whole process. Yesterday he calmly called the IVF office on my behalf and spoke with the doctor and nurse who were on my case. Not only did he get answers, but the respect and admiration of the office. Apparently they really like us at our IVF clinic. Today I had to return to get blood work done. I was greeted with a hug from one of our favorite nurses who told me, "While this sucks...you are really blessed to have embryos frozen!" Our doctor came out and apologized for the way our case had been handled.

Clearly they want to save face, but it was also clear (more so from the nursing staff) that they really cared. They were "cheering" for us so to speak. A few days later I received an e-mail from our favorite nurse explaining next steps and letting us know that she is there is we have any questions. She also e-mailed my husband separately.

So from here, we take the time we need to heal and start to piece things back together. Life goes on....and when we are ready, we will try again.

Pressing forward

I feel better today. I guess there is something to be said about the whole "Time heals all wounds thing". I totally get having a process to get through things. Grief is a process and that's what I'm dealing with now. I'm sad sometimes, angry others, happy when I don't have to think about it. Sometimes I just wish today was two weeks from now when time has had more of chance to heal my open wounds. I like being happy and while many would argue that happiness is a choice, I'm having difficulty choosing to feel any different than I do.

I don't want to talk and I know that this is something that doesn't sit well with most of you. I appreciate the text messages that show your concern and support. But, I still don't want to talk about it. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. I don't want the "sympathy" calls,  the "oh I'm so sorry for you blah blah blah." I want to talk about regular stuff like we did just weeks before. Like wedding plans and outfits and weight watchers. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Pray for me...Yes. I guess it's just that I'm trying to move forward, past the situation. I don't want to get stuck here cause happy only comes around occasionally on this side of town. I don't want to rehash what was and what could have been handled differently. I just want to move on.

Please know while I may not be talking to YOU doesn't mean I'm not talking at all. I am talking to my husband so don't worry I'm not holding it in or anything like that. I'm just at a point where moving forward is a necessity. So each day I press a little further in hopes of putting the past behind me.

Though He Slay me Yet will I trust Him

Sometimes when things happen, I shut down. I can't write. I just want to block out how I'm feeling. That's how I feel right now, but I realize that writing is therapeutic and hope this will help in the healing process.


So in my last post, you read that I received a call saying congrats your prego!  Well things kinda went downhill from there. Overall I have had a pretty great experience with our IVF clinic. This time they dropped the ball.

Monday: I go in for blood work and tell the nurse that I have a few questions. I am happy and want to learn more about what I should and should not do/feel as a newly pregnant woman. She takes me too her office and pulls up my chart as I begin to ask my questions. Our favorite nurse comes in the office and asks how I'm doing...my response, "Pregnant!" accompanied with a smile. She doesn't return my smile which I find odd but does say congratulations. The nurse who is helping me after seeing our interaction asks me if the Doctor talked to me about my levels. I respond no. She then proceeds to tell me that my levels were very low. They usually like to see around a 50 and I was only at 15. Anything over 5 is pregnant, but they like to see much higher numbers. She then tells me that she has seen healthy babies delivered and the first test has only been a 6, so say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed.  I'm stunned, shocked but manage to say thank you, smile and leave. I get in the car and breakdown crying....what just happened?!

I then think of the sermon we heard on Sunday where the pastor preached about Jobs faith. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him!" (Job 13:15)  Job was going through some pretty tough things, but he continued to trust in God. In the end God saw that he was better off than before.

I have Though Faith and I will continue to trust in God.

I get a call later that morning. My numbers have more than doubled to 55!!! God is good.

Wednesday: I am praying, laying my hands on my belly and talking to my little embryos telling them to implant and grow. I go for my blood test in the morning, head to work and wait for the call to tell me about my levels. Most of the time they call me on my cell phone, but occasionally they call our house phone, so I decided to check the messages. I was told, they never leave a message with bad news, they will only talk to you in person. So you can only imagine the horror of my sitting in my car a hour from home listening to a voicemail from my doctor that said "stop taking the medications, your levels went down to 12 which means the pregnancy is not progressing I'm sorry".

What just happened?! Who would leave such a cruel message on an answering machine?! (Trust me I am trying my best to maintain my Christianity and not use more descriptive language to express how I felt)  God what happened? What did I do wrong?

I call my husband who instructs me to calm down enough to drive safely and go home. He works over an hour away, but said he would be on the next bus and meet me.

I cried all the way home. It's the next day and my eyes are still puffy. How will I tell our family who we choose to share the good news with just days early. They were so excited. I feel like I let them down. I know its not my fault, but this is what was going through my head.  Once He got home, he let me cry in his arms. He let me talk and I cried some more. Then he spoke, words that could have only come from spending time in prayer. He told me how much I've grown, how much he loved me, how we were so close and how we were going to be ok. He reminded me that I have "Though Faith"

I was hoping not to have this section in my blog. Everything had gone so smoothly. This is a huge disappointment. This is what I see when I read other online blogs about women going though IVF. Not every time is successful, but what I also see is women trying again.

I have Though Faith. God has seen me this far and He won't put more on me than I can bear. Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him! My trust is in the Lord.

Seedling

On Friday February 4th I received a call from my doctor, "Your blood test came back positive. Congratulations, you're pregnant. Continue taking your estrace and progesterone. Congratulations!" I was ecstatic, overjoyed couldn't wait to share the news with my husband and my family. It was a joyous day! Pregnant...me! There was a time I wondered if it would ever happen. God is so amazing!

To share or not to share?

I think this is a personal thing, heck pregnancy is a personal thing. So what you decide to share with those you love is really a personal choice. Some people are more private while others will shout every detail from the rooftop with no care as to who hears. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I think I would love to tell everyone, but the private part of me that doesn't like dealing with a whole lot of crazy questions is able to retrain me from sharing.
 

Waiting....

The old saying "Patience is a virtue" is no joke. Seriously how many of us have that virtue of patience? I would like to think I do, but as I wait for the day when I can go to the office to do the pregnancy test, I admit that I need to be a bit more virtuous. The thought of just going to the store and buying a pregnancy test has come to mind several times, but I decided that its probably better to wait....to be patient. No need to pay for a test that may or may not detect the pregnancy and put myself through unnecessary ups and downs. So I wait. Lord Help me to be be more virtuous. Amen....

Be a name not a number...or just be a really big number

I recently read some advice on an IVF blog that encouraged patients to get to know the staff and get the staff to know you. Its true they have lots of patients coming in and out of the office on a daily basis and while most of the staff are cordial to them you are just another person coming in to get help getting knocked up (excuse me for being crass...but its the truth). Its important to make a connection. These people, the doctors, nurses, technicians and staff will be all up in your business for the duration of the process. You think going to the OBGYN is uncomfortable! Imagine getting blood work and  a transvaginal ultrasound everyday for a week and a half! It pays to be nice to the people who are drawing your blood and looking up your Hoo Ha! LOL It definitely makes the visits a bit less stressful when people smile at you and ask you questions about yourself, not just your estrogen levels.

Not to brag, but I try my best to be extra nice to people. It's just who I am. (It's also what I do for a living...I'm in sales so you kinda have to be nice all the time) I was raised to speak to people when I see them, say please and thank you and smile. On certain occasions when I have had to call the office I can hear the person on the other end of the phone smile when I state my name. The staff knows who I am. They know that I will be polite and that I'm not calling for every little thing.  Ok so I have to admit there are a couple reasons they know my name. The first would be because at my office they have group meetings where the doctors get together and discuss your case. They take a very collective approach. While you are assigned one Doctor, on any given day you will be working with one of their associates. Then there was the time I totally freaked out during the practice transfer....yeah I kinda think that's why everyone knows me LOL and then finally the lab knows me because they retrieved over 3 dozen eggs from me. So if they don't know my name...they do know me as the lady with the 41 eggs lol. Either way, I am known and based on my interaction...I'm liked too;)

Transfering Life

Today was the big day and what seemingly the final step of an IVF cycle. Transfer day! As mentioned in previous posts we had a lot for the lab to work with. Our appointment was at 11:30 this morning. We sign in sit down and the Embryologist comes to chat with us, verify who we are (They have very secure measures in place to ensure they don't transfer the wrong embryos into the wrong person) and show us a picture of the ones selected to be transferred. We have a picture!!!! A picture of what we created. Most people don't get an opportunity to see such an early stage of life. Many people argue that what is created in the lab is not life. I disagree. It's my life. It's my eggs, my husbands sperm and they have joined together to make something we could not have done as individuals. So i guess technically I am 1 day pregnant LOL. WOW  - its totally surreal. I know this is not the final step, we have to go back for the pregnancy test on 2/4 to confirm a positive pregnancy, but its still a living thing and its growing...actually there are two. I got caught up in my rant and forgot to mention that they transferred two embryos that had reached the Blastocysts stage. So it is likely that we will be proud parents of twins! What a blessing!

So now we wait....wait and pray.

It Takes Two

Obviously it takes two to tango and definitely to make a baby. So there is one person who literally is the other half of this equation. Without him this could not happen. I can't say enough about my wonderful, fantastic super terrific, loving caring husband! Or in IVF lingo my DH (Dear Husband - It took me forever to figure that one out!) He has been the BEST! It would be easy for some one to look at the IVF process and talk about all that the woman has to go through and say the husband (or to be politically correct - the partner) doesn't have to do anything but leave their "sample" (which some would say is not a hard part of the process, no pun intended). But its really more than that. My husband has held my hand every step of the way. He has listened intently to my fears, concerns and creative assumptions. He has lent his shoulder for me to cry on, gotten on bended knee in prayer, lifted me up when I was down and taken a couple beatings due to the overwhelming amount of hormones I'm taking. He is my rock. He's my best friend and there is no one else I would rather share this experience with. He has helped me to take everyday one step at a time. We laugh together, pray together have grown as individuals and as a couple. I am blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. I thank God for him everyday and I look forward to what the future holds!

Maybe its the hormones?!.......

So my initial reservation with IVF was all the medication....specifically the hormones. The extra hormones women generate during "that time of the month" can be difficult enough to deal with. LOL So the initial injections were ok. I felt fine and as I mentioned in a previous blog I have a great response. The doctors were concerned because I had super high estrogen levels. One of the nurses told many that many women tend to have "witchy" tendencies when their estrogen spikes. I was fine, matter fact, I was all smiles and rainbows! I have never felt so happy go lucky, it was slightly euphoric. I mean I think I'm a pretty nice person, but I was SUPER nice. The only downside was that I was a little emotional, everything made a cry. And when I did cry, it just felt so good lol.  It was great!.....Then they added progesterone. Lets just say things have changed slightly. I am still nice and I still cry (even more), but I've noticed that some really insignificant things upset me. Unfortunately the person who gets the raw end of the deal is my Dear Husband. Poor guy, has no idea this is just the beginning. We have really great communication so I try to apologize if I go off the hormonal deep end. He has been very understanding and I've promised him that I will try my best to channel all that 41 egg producing nice estrogen my body so lovingly had just a week ago :) 

T.M.I.

Before starting this process I was really nervous - scratch that, I was freaking scared out of my mind! I thought a way to overcome my fear (besides praying) would be to do a little research online and in person. I ended up worse off than I was when I started! I was bombarded with information many times sharing the worst case scenario. Ok- Yes, there is definitely some good information explaining the process.  However I was overwhelmed by the number of chat rooms and blogs and the IVF lingo that goes along with it. Clearly I understand that it is therapeutic for  people to write and share their experience with others. (Isn't that what I'm doing here?!) It was just an overwhelming experience. Especially when women talked about their struggles, failed cycles and painful procedures - NOT what I want to hear right before I sign up for the ride! I don't think I'm alone in wanting to have a positive outlook. Believe me, I get it - IVF is a process, at any point along the way something may not go as planned and you might have to start over or take one step back. It has the potential of placing you on an emotional roller coaster  (extra estrogen definitely aids in this process). However, if all goes as planned you will be blessed with a beautiful healthy baby (or babies) which is the end result everyone hopes for, otherwise no one would be doing this! My whole thing is separate what you really Need to know from what is just Nice to know. 

Sunshine and Rain

You can't have all rain. You definitely need the warmth of the sun. I am so blessed to have so much sunshine in the form of friends, family and loved ones. They have let me cry through the tough times, responded with words of encouragement. Helped me laugh through fearful times and celebrated with me in the good times. These are people that I can call any time night or day and know that they will pray with me. That they are standing in agreement with me. Their sunshine helped to dry up my tears and replace sad faces with smiles and laughter. I don't have words to express how grateful and how blessed I am to have them in my life. They are not intrusive, they don't ask many questions, they are just there. I don't know what I would do without them.  I love you all so very much and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. May God bless you as you have been a blessing to me. Some people are put into your life for a season, some a lifetime.....I am glad that you have been with me through this season and beyond!

Why Rain?

I guess many of you have realized that my real name isn't Rain. So why would I choose a name that is so commonly associated with dreary dismal days? I feel that it is truly representative of this process. Finding out that you are unable to have children the conventional way is dismal. I cried a lot, however, through my tears I was able to see the blessing of IVF. There was a time when women were just considered barren. There was no other option for them. Thanks be to God, I had another option!

While most people hate when it rains, I love listening to the sound of pitter patter as it hits my skylights. I love the smell just before the first drop kisses the earth. I love the look of sun as it shines on the rain kissed earth. Most of all I love the fact that rain causes things to grow. Without rain, things dry out and die. So to me its a very fitting name.
I am growing as an individual and most importantly I am creating an environment where I will be able to love and nurture my children as they one day grow inside of me.

Watching seeds grow

Unlike with real plants once you mix sperm with egg you can see which ones are fertilized within a 24 hour time period. We received a call today from the lab letting us know that we have 27 fertilized eggs. As the lab technician stated "They have a lot to work with". I was soooooo excited! We will have a 5 day transfer which will take place on Thursday. Now obviously they can't transfer all of the embryos, I think the max is three....I still wonder to this day how the heck someone approved Octo-mom an 8 embryo transfer! Over the next 5 days, the lab will watch our little seedlings grow. The cream of the crop will be selected and transferred back into me. The rest will be stored in the freezer for possible later use. In the mean time, I am to treat my body with care and start on my new meds, Cipro, Medrol, Estrace and Progeterone. Phase two lets go!!!

Cheaper by the Dozen(s)

Today was the beginning of the next step in our process. Egg retrieval day! I woke up this morning feeling crappy. My tummy was full of ready to be extracted follicles. We went in at 10 AM to get prepped and ready. They gave me some good narcotics and I was out like a light. The medication the anesthesiologist basically puts you to sleep, but you breathe on your own. When I woke up I remember hearing that they extracted 41 eggs! 41!!!!!!

The average number of eggs retrieved during this procedure depends upon the person, however my research online suggests its about 10-12. I produced 4 times as many! It definitely gives the lab a lot to work with, but it also puts me at risk for Ovarian Hyper stimulation.  I will have to monitor myself over the next few days to make sure that doesn't happen. Lets just say there is a lot more room in my belly and boy do I feel better!

The only tough part of the day was recovering from the anesthesia. I was a bit wobbly due to my blood pressure going up and down, however, after some ginger ale and crackers in my belly. I felt much better.

Overall today was a great day! My husband was a huge support and we had a lot of laughs about me being referred as "the girl with all the eggs" LOL No seriously....that's how the lab referred to me!

IVF is a very expensive process, especially the medication. I would definitely say we got our moneys worth!

When it rains....

On Saturday 1/8 I started the IVF cycle of medication I take Gonal F and Menapur. Normally they tell you that you will be on the meds for 7-10 days before they do an egg retrieval. I was on medication for 12 days. I began going to the doctor every other day for blood work. Around Thursday I began going to the doctor everyday around 7AM. They were starting to count and measure the number of follicles. So every morning I was up bright and early to pricked and prodded.

Apparently I was responding well to the medication which was great to hear! I was told I had good egg reserves so this would be a repetitively easy process. A few days in I started feeling really bloated and uncomfortable. This is normal with fertility medicine. My follicles were starting to grow and my body was trying to react to the number of eggs and the space they were taking up. Over several days I began to produce more and more eggs. The feedback I was getting from the doctors was that I had a lot of little follicles. I'm thinking this is great! I just didn't realize how many follicles they were talking about.

Sometimes after a good hard rain things begin to grow our hope is that flowers begin to bloom.

Fertilizer

I think most people enter into things without knowing the whole process even when they do research. Once you get the basic gist, you feel comfortable enough to move forward. That was my thought with the whole IVF process. I did a little research, felt good about my understanding of the process and decided to move forward. I knew I was going to have to take medicine, its a part of the process, but I was utterly SHOCKED when I picked up a shopping bag full of an assortment of pills, injections, extra needles and a sharps container! There was sooooo much. Drugs of all varieties and different delivery systems. It was overwhelming to say the least.

My husband and I went for IVF orientation where they go into more detail about the process and how to administer the medication. Simply put I was overwhelmed and a little scared. What if I make a mistake and take to much or too little? The medicine is VERY expensive and the last thing I wanted is to waste it. I realized, even though I was scared, it was something I had to do. Fertilizer helps things grow. This medicine was my fertilizer in more ways than one. I followed the directions and have successfully given myself shots for 12 days in a row! It's not even a big deal anymore. I grew as a person. I faced the challenge and overcame my fears. Go me! I learned I can do anything if I put my mind to it and I did!

Waiting for a miracle

I believe in miracles, do you? I'm a Christian and have heard many a sermon about God's miraculous power to help those who are hurting. I'm a believer. I know that God is capable of anything and everything, however, I also believe that He decides how a miracle is going to take place. He may do it one way for one person and a completely different way for another. It's that part that many people including myself have a tough time understanding. When I was told that I was unable to conceive children naturally, I asked God for a miracle. I wanted Him to just work things out so that things would just be easier. People around me told me to have faith, that God would make a way.

Each month I prayed and hoped that I would be pregnant. Each month I would get my period and find myself depressed, losing faith and utterly confused. How come you won't help me God? Why are you doing this to me? Why me? Finally I began to realize that God can work in more than one way. That just because I may have to go through treatment doesn't make Him any less miraculous or me any less faithless. I had to be patient, alert and willing to follow his voice. When I was able to get over the "woe is me attitude" I was able to see clearer. My Goal is to have children from my body. The way I get pregnant was insignificant. I learned that when we focus only on what we want, we can't always hear what God has planned for us. Not our will, but His. Once I understood that a Peace washed over me and I was ready to take the next step toward my goal!