Though He Slay me Yet will I trust Him

Sometimes when things happen, I shut down. I can't write. I just want to block out how I'm feeling. That's how I feel right now, but I realize that writing is therapeutic and hope this will help in the healing process.


So in my last post, you read that I received a call saying congrats your prego!  Well things kinda went downhill from there. Overall I have had a pretty great experience with our IVF clinic. This time they dropped the ball.

Monday: I go in for blood work and tell the nurse that I have a few questions. I am happy and want to learn more about what I should and should not do/feel as a newly pregnant woman. She takes me too her office and pulls up my chart as I begin to ask my questions. Our favorite nurse comes in the office and asks how I'm doing...my response, "Pregnant!" accompanied with a smile. She doesn't return my smile which I find odd but does say congratulations. The nurse who is helping me after seeing our interaction asks me if the Doctor talked to me about my levels. I respond no. She then proceeds to tell me that my levels were very low. They usually like to see around a 50 and I was only at 15. Anything over 5 is pregnant, but they like to see much higher numbers. She then tells me that she has seen healthy babies delivered and the first test has only been a 6, so say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed.  I'm stunned, shocked but manage to say thank you, smile and leave. I get in the car and breakdown crying....what just happened?!

I then think of the sermon we heard on Sunday where the pastor preached about Jobs faith. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him!" (Job 13:15)  Job was going through some pretty tough things, but he continued to trust in God. In the end God saw that he was better off than before.

I have Though Faith and I will continue to trust in God.

I get a call later that morning. My numbers have more than doubled to 55!!! God is good.

Wednesday: I am praying, laying my hands on my belly and talking to my little embryos telling them to implant and grow. I go for my blood test in the morning, head to work and wait for the call to tell me about my levels. Most of the time they call me on my cell phone, but occasionally they call our house phone, so I decided to check the messages. I was told, they never leave a message with bad news, they will only talk to you in person. So you can only imagine the horror of my sitting in my car a hour from home listening to a voicemail from my doctor that said "stop taking the medications, your levels went down to 12 which means the pregnancy is not progressing I'm sorry".

What just happened?! Who would leave such a cruel message on an answering machine?! (Trust me I am trying my best to maintain my Christianity and not use more descriptive language to express how I felt)  God what happened? What did I do wrong?

I call my husband who instructs me to calm down enough to drive safely and go home. He works over an hour away, but said he would be on the next bus and meet me.

I cried all the way home. It's the next day and my eyes are still puffy. How will I tell our family who we choose to share the good news with just days early. They were so excited. I feel like I let them down. I know its not my fault, but this is what was going through my head.  Once He got home, he let me cry in his arms. He let me talk and I cried some more. Then he spoke, words that could have only come from spending time in prayer. He told me how much I've grown, how much he loved me, how we were so close and how we were going to be ok. He reminded me that I have "Though Faith"

I was hoping not to have this section in my blog. Everything had gone so smoothly. This is a huge disappointment. This is what I see when I read other online blogs about women going though IVF. Not every time is successful, but what I also see is women trying again.

I have Though Faith. God has seen me this far and He won't put more on me than I can bear. Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him! My trust is in the Lord.